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I had fun responding to someone’s post on their own blog. Greg is his name, and you can find his original post here. 
Here’s my comment!
‘ello!
From what I’ve learned of thoughts and emotions and manifesting… It takes focus to create, and strong emotion to energize the creation.
I don’t believe – though I could be wrong! – that every single thought and/or emotion has the same power to create. I think they all are creative, but some are more creative than others.
The more intensely focused and powered, the faster the manifestation.
Funny thing with us humans is, we have counter-creative thoughts all the time!
You: I sure want some chocolate cake.
Universe: Chocolate cake, coming right up!
You: But it would make me fat…
Universe: Cancel the chocolate cake! Focus is on fat now, fat coming right up!
You: But I don’t care! I want it, damn the fat!
Universe: Aye aye! Chocolate cake and fat, coming right up!
Oh – a big tenent of thought creates and law of attraction, btw, is that the universe doesn’t understand No. It understands focus and emotion alone.
So the more emphatically you say no to something, the faster you bring it to you.
Very powerful – we really are that powerful. Can you imagine?
I believe our purpose here is to remember how powerful we are, learn how to use our incredible power, and then to actively express who we are through our creative abilities.
Hehe, this was fun to write. I think I’ll post it to my blog, too.
*hugs!*
- Dawn
Gurg. Been a while since I’ve written!
Firstly, for those who are subscribed, I have no idea why a Month of October Digest just published itself and sent itself out to all of you! All of those entries were added en masse last month, brought over from my old blog site. No idea why they would publish themselves now! If it happens again, I’ll investigate deeper!
I’m kinda glad it happened, though, because it gave me the opportunity to read about myself from a time-distanced perspective…and realize that my level of consciousness has altered. My, well, light quotient I think is how it is referred to. The level I’m vibrating at, energetically, on all levels. At the moment, it’s lower than it was. I can’t see or understand as clearly as I could, before the hives/hands/knees experience.
A bit of back story before I continue.
I wrote previously about the hives experience, but I was just at the beginning of that, when I wrote on November 16. Now it’s November 25 and I feel that I can finally say that I’m on my way out the other end. I was brought pretty damn low, for lack of a better way of saying it… The pain and disability and everything else was intense.
It culminated in my actually entering a state of my sense of Self being split in two, with half of me pleading with the other half, “Why won’t you just let me go? Please let me die…” The response from the other half of me was, “I love you, and I’ll never let you go. Wherever we go, we’ll be together.”
It was then that the fever of pain and misery broke. I’m not really sure why I brought myself this experience, but, I am sure that it will play a pivotal role in my healing. I guess I really needed to bring myself to the edge of endurable misery/pain, to know that I would never abandon myself, even when pushed all the way.
So here I am now, able to physically function more or less like I could before the hives experience. My stamina is still low, but I can at least go out and do things without becoming exhausted right away… And I can walk around semi-normally, and pick things up with my hands and type fairly well again…
And, apparently, my mind and level of consciousness was also effected – and, I assume, also starting to return to its previous state, as well. I read the things I wrote that came out in October, and especially the stuff from November, and I boggle. “I wrote that?”
It seems that my consciousness also drew back during the hives experience. I mean, I guess this makes total sense, but I never really thought about it before. And now, coming out the other side, I realize that I can’t see as far as I could, right now. The world has harder edges…I’m more judgmental…my sense of perspective is no where near as expanded as it was…
Interestingly enough, I lost my appetite for a couple weeks, there – or, I thought I did. What it ends up was happening was that I wasn’t interested in meat anymore! Over time I realized I was fine eating the side items, the veggies and pasta or whatever. It was the fish or the chicken or turkey that was turning off my appetite!
I have noticed that many people who state that spirituality is their life don’t eat meat. I had heard that they were vegetarians because meat is so dense and would lower their levels of consciousness if they were to eat it… I’ve always been a big meat eater, myself. 
So I thought, when I began losing my appetite upon trying to eat a turkey sandwich at lunch, or fish and rice at dinner, that it was just because of the constant pain I was in. But now…I’m feeling better, and meat is as unappealing as ever! At Thanksgiving dinner, I had an obligatory nibble or two of turkey, and it wasn’t good… My memory and everything else told me it was supposed to be good, but it just wasn’t.
My theory is that my body got used to being at a higher level of vibration, which I lost a bit through the trauma/pain/despair of the hives experience. And, of its own accord, began to work toward getting back up there – by making meat unappealing.
I had an interesting dream last night, that seems to fit in with all of this.
—
I dreamt that it was my job to safely see this holy person across The Border. This holy person had been alive for thousands of years, consciously moving from incarnation to incarnation – just like the Dali Lama. They were a healer and a teacher, and had dangerously liberating ideas – kinda a Jesus figure, in that way.
And I myself in the dream was a rebel of sorts, trying to see this person to safety through a harsh land where everyone was after them, wanting to kill them, wanting to silence them.
We were almost captured, but all the soldiers managed to get of us was the holy person’s luggage, which we had already emptied of its most precious contents. The holy person was weird through all of this. Very serene, totally accepting of everything almost to the point of happiness – though they understood the need for movement and what needed to be done.
We were able to see the soldiers going through the luggage from where we hid, and I saw them uncover a pocket with a wad of $100 in it. I stole away from our hiding place when the soldiers had gone, sure that the holy person would want that huge roll of money, and grabbed it.
I turned to go, and just then a little dark haired girl ran up and gave me a kiss on the lips, leaving a bunch of chocolate in the corner of my mouth. I gasped, because I knew that I could be seen by regular people if I consumed regular food (? Dream logic 
) and the girl grinned impishly at me as the soldiers ran up and grabbed my arms. They had been waiting, watching.
“Oh, she’s trained to do that,” they said of the little girl, who apparently could see me without the help of the chocolate. “Works every time.”
The holy person did something at this point. I have no idea what – all I know is that in the dream the soldiers and everyone else around us were suddenly in a daze, and I was free. I showed the money to the holy person (who was suddenly a lot more bedraggled and tired than they were before) as we ran off, and said, “I knew you would want this. It’s so much money!”
They looked at it in confusion and shook their head in gentle amusement, “Oh, that! I haven’t thought of that for a couple hundred years!”
Definitely chagrined, I was all business after that, leading the holy person forward and not caring for anything that I thought they might want – just getting them through and doing my job.
We were running for the border, then, moving along side carts full of people who were having stuff thrown at them from the crowds along side the road. It was because the crowds were so focused on the big groups in the carts that they didn’t even notice us at all. They figured the holy person would be moving in a huge, honoring entourage, but they (I keep saying they by the way because the holy person at this point was rather androgynous…) weren’t. The crowds didn’t actually understand what it was to be holy.
The soldiers caught up with us, pointing me out and running up, shooting. The holy person was shot twice in the legs but it didn’t seem to bother them overly much. It bothered me a whole lot more than it bothered them. I turned on the soldiers, baring my teeth with the total knowledge that no way in the world were they going to get through me to the holy person again. I absolutely knew that their attempts were futile, and I projected this knowing at them with all the energy I possessed.
Suddenly they looked confused and turned to each other, commenting on having seen some other people that were breaking the law a few blocks back, and that they would get in trouble if they didn’t go take care of that immediately. The stumbled around, a bit dazed, and then wandered off in the opposite direction.
We began running for the border again, and as we burst over to the other side, everything was suddenly very different. The sun shone much brighter, and people were clapping and dancing and singing, totally not noticing us. I turned to the holy person to make sure they were still with me and suddenly looked very much like an older, motherly woman. Smiling wide at the dancing and clapping people, she changed her clothes around, unwrapping and re-wrapping her sarong like garb to be more suitable for a female form.
And me? I fell to the ground, crying, a cloud of darkness all around me. Crying for myself and everything I had to go through. Crying for everything everyone has to go through.
I woke up crying.
—
I think that, in a way, the holy person and the person seeing them over the border were both depictions of myself…
The me I am now…and the me I will some day be… And the things I am going through to bring that person to light… The thing I found most interesting was the difference in attitude the two people possessed as they went through the same exact experiences.
Even when the holy person was shot, it made no real impact on their experience. It was a little irritation – no big deal. Just another experience in a long line of experiences heading toward an assured outcome. And the other person, absolutely knowing that the money was so important as far as their perception was concerned…
Very interesting.
And so…I continue to walk, having different experiences, some darker than others but always, in the end, heading toward the light. I’m sure that over time I will regain the progress I made, and because of going deeper and releasing even more through the spontaneous hives experience, I bet I will be able to travel even farther into the light than I could have, before.
I learned something from the first Mists of Avalon book I’m listening to right now, the book by Marion Zimmer Bradely that a friend recommended. I learned that, basically, I don’t know anything. And that none of us really do. It’s a trap, to think that you do. It’s a trap, putting you in a box. Because having the ability to claim ignorance means you do not have to work at undoing all those things that you think you know, so that you can learn new things.
I thought that in order to be a teacher of people, I needed to know everything – so that I could find a firm basis to stand on, from which to teach. But, that’s not true. I can’t know everything… And to think that I have a firm basis from which to teach only means that I have bought into my own illusion to the extent that I have cut myself off from reaching beyond it.
I thought I had to claim knowledge, that I knew everything, in order to be a good teacher. But, I don’t think that’s true anymore. The best teachers are open to learning – and I think I forgot that. Or maybe I never knew. But now I can be myself again, and with great pride claim – I don’t know a thing!
—
I understand more now, about myself. About being a teacher. I know that I never want to stop learning, and I know that I’ve always found it very difficult to teach something that’s static. I’ve always wanted to teach, but in college the idea of getting a degree where you Learn How Things ARE, so you can teach How Things ARE to others, downright gave me the chills – though I didn’t know why at the time.
I’ve also found it difficult to write, as far as writing manuals or anything like that – but I could never really put a finger on why. I think I know, now… It’s because I’m changing so fast that I look back, months or somethings even just weeks, and I think, “Wow, if I had written about how I believed things to be then, I would have been wrong! I didn’t know what I was talking about!”
And, I think that this is because to write about something as if it is static is to close the lid on my own box. It is to say this is the way things are, and this is the way things shall be. It is an attempt to lock them into place – and I never want to do that.
I understand now that I know next to nothing. Reality is as we create it, as we believe it to be… So, locking myself into teaching a single thing and claiming it as ultimate Truth is locking myself into a single reality. Nope, definitely not for me! I will never do that.
And yet, I do believe that as a race, as a people, we move from one place to the next in our understanding and our growth, and for every level of consciousness there is a level of truth, a level of knowledge. And so, something must be shared, at some time…
But it must also always be understood that knowledge is not fixed. I don’t understand that part…how do you teach something and then later teach that it’s not true? I mean, like, mathematics – I bet that would be the first thing people would point as as being ultimate reality, there’s no getting around math. It IS. But what if it only IS because so many people believe it IS?
As humans, we like to have a solid ground to stand on. And yet it’s that very solidness of the ground that keeps us in our own box. We need to be able to move from one level to the next – understanding that the level is only solid for as long as it takes for us to jump to the next.
Quantum Physics, a branch of mathematics, is unraveling our base of knowledge from the ground up… or is it only taking us to the next level?
—
I can’t really sit here and say that nothing should ever be taught…but then, what do I teach?
—
Like with some authors, I noticed that they don’t evolve anymore. They’re too busy backing up the things they said in their books to evolve, or change. It scares them, when someone offers a differing view, because it sounds like they are being told they are wrong and that everything they based their world upon is wrong.
It’s not that they’re wrong – it’s just that there’s more… It’s that people took what was offered and ran with it, expanded upon it.
I did hear that one famous author, I think it’s Steven Hawking? Quantum Physics and String Theory and all that? Went back and recanted one of the things he claimed. Just basically publicly said, “Oops!” about one of his primary theories. That took a lot of guts, and my admiration for the guy skyrocketed upon hearing that.
—
We can never believe that we’ve actually reached the summit of the mountain, because to do so is to limit ourselves… What looks like the summit is really only yet another ledge on the way up the mountain – yet another resting place where we can pause and get our bearings and move on again.
Knowledge should never ever be considered static. It gets old. We evolve beyond it. We really do, because reality is entirely an illusion… And once we understand what we think it is, by it’s very nature, it is no longer thus.
—
Because as soon as we do that, we’re offered another view. The instant we try to lay something down as THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE, another view is offered. Wait a second, no, THIS is how things are! No…no wait, THIS is how things are. It never stops – there’s no such thing as this is how things are. There is no real THIS. There’s no ultimate THIS. There is no ultimate ARE.
Wars have been fought over this. Billions of people have died at the hands of those insisting that they Know They Are Right and that This Is TRUTH. Holy wars. Political wars. MY Truth is the ultimate only Truth forever and ever. Isn’t that really the only reason that wars are ever fought? “I Am Right And You Are Wrong.”
What if we’re all right, no matter what we believe, at the same exact time?
We Are Love. We Are Energy. We Are Consciousness focused…and as far as I can guess at this time, that is the ultimate Are. That is the ultimate Is. That is all there is, and we’re on our way back to understanding that. To living in that – to embodying that. But that is only as far as I can see from where I am, and I am Not at the top of the mountain.
Because claiming that I’m at the top of the mountain will close my eyes to the fact that I’m not. Claiming that you’ve reached the summit will close your eyes to that which is around you, and that which is above you.
To claim that you know that This Is True. That this Is Reality – is to forsake all that you have yet to experience. It is to close the lid on your own box. It is to say, “I’m done!” I’m done growing. I’m done reaching. I’m done expanding, experiencing and changing. I have found my stable ledge, and I’m not moving. It is to close your eyes to all that you have yet to become…
I never want to do that…
—
And yet, where does that leave me as a teacher? What then, do I teach? I realize, now…that I’ve been waiting. Waiting for my knowledge to stabilize, before I begin to teach and write in earnest…
And…I now know, that that time is never going to come. In fact, I hope it never does. I never want to stop growing. But…where does that leave me?
I know that some books are timeless classics, like Jonathan Livingston Seagull, for instance… Are there some bits of knowledge, some Truths, that span all levels of consciousness? How do I know which ones they are?
What am I supposed to be doing?
The impulse to write and to teach is this huge, almost palpable force that’s rising up from within me – but write what? Teach what? I’m moving so fast that I have yet to be able to plan a class and teach it before I move beyond what it was I was going to teach…
—
I guess… I teach about the ledge where I’m currently standing, wherever that may be at the time… Careful never to claim that This is the way things ARE and unwittingly limit those I am teaching…
I will teach first, then, that there are no limits. Shades of Jonathan Livingston Seagull in my life yet again – why am I not surprised?
(For those just tuning in – I was raised on Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. I was taught to read on it by my mother, and have had it with me all my life. If someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say – Jonathan. )
I was thinking about it, about how I got them the other day, and why, and I realized I had a choice about what I was going to believe. I first developed symptoms on Friday evening.
Option A: Allergic reaction to fungus and stuff in dead leaves caused by eating lunch outside Friday afternoon. I clearly remember hearing gardening machines in the distance.
Thoughts about option A: I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Two of my friends are in the hospital, and I’ve been visiting them. I’ve also had little exercise for the past two weeks because something keeps coming up, and my sleep has been erratic at best. So, my ability to easily fend off the leaf stuff was compromised a bit, and so I had a reaction I’ve never had before because I’m at such a low point, physically.
Option B: This is an ‘awakening symptom’ and my body is detoxing in a big way.
Thoughts about option B: Visiting my friends in the hospital has been bringing up all kinds of memories about when my mom died. The smell of the place, the cafeteria, the family waiting room, the color scheme…each its own gateway to memories I had forgotten. A lot has been coming up for release. I also just led myself through a pretty heavy duty ‘go back in time, forgive and let go’ session with myself and my inner child on Thursday night. Thursday day I went and saw Steve for an hour’s worth of body/energy work and really got to an incredibly high place energetically. Friday night / Saturday we passed through the 11/11 portal for this year – a time of moving to higher levels and letting go of stuff. My 31 birthday is also coming up next week.
I thought it over and realized – aligning my energy with Option A makes me feel like a victim. Like this is something I have to just suffer through until it passes. That I was at the whim of fate, and just happened to pick the wrong time to go sit outside and eat lunch.
Aligning my energy with Option B makes me feel good! I have chosen to go through this now, quickly easily and simply, to leave behind toxicity in my body so that I can move to a higher level. Sounds good to me!
My action journey won’t change whichever Option I choose – I’ll still be drinking extra water, taking Benedryl, not itching and resting until it passes. The feeling place of each option is totally different, however.
With one option this body wide rash/itching/blechness is pointless and just something to endure – not to mention caused by being outside, with any number of fears to go with that. I love fall, and I don’t like the idea of being afraid of the dead leaves. I mean, I’m not going to go rub my face in them – but to be afraid to eat lunch outside on a nice day during fall, for now on? That doesn’t feel good at all.
With the other option, I can be proud of myself for having the courage to really get a bunch of this stuff out of me all at once, and I can look forward to the heightened level of awareness I will have once it passes.
I do believe I will align myself with Option B.
I came to a realization today! I realized that grumbling to myself about something that just happened keeps it around and gives it a firm, solid foothold from which to jump off into the future. It keeps it alive, too, with all the little details etched into memory forever. Why not let yucky things just slip away, when possible?
I am currently experiencing body wide hives. Yep. First time for everything! And a last time, too. I was driving along today, on the way home from a trip out to Fredricksburg that I had taken to see a lady and have a past life regression done. The hives came on last night, and over the span of today, spread. Everywhere. I had to cut the session short, and then had the hour and a half drive home before me.
So, at first I was grumpy and sick feeling, focusing on how awful I felt. Chills. Little itches everywhere. Headache and itchy eyes. The drive kept getting longer and longer as I used the discomfort of the Now moment to reinforce my truth that I had a right to grump about the past.
And I got worse and worse and worse. Actually got a little panicky as my eyes began to itch so much I had trouble seeing street signs. And I was hungry and had no food. And this and that. I invested a lot of energy – so much so that by the time I was done I was in a tizzy. I was so worried I would miss my exit that when it showed up, I missed it because I was afraid it was the wrong one and that I would miss the right one. I drove along for another 15 miles before I realized it.
And suddenly, I looked at myself, and had to laugh a bit – in a nice way of course. I suddenly realized – I don’t want to feel like this! So what if I missed the exit and am getting more and more tired – I basically knew where I was. I wasn’t going to end up lost forever, never to be seen again, no matter what might happen.
And I didn’t want to feel worse and worse. Why was I investing energy in focusing on how bad I felt? Yes, maybe going to the appointment anyway even when I knew I wasn’t 100% wasn’t the best move in the whole world, but so what? I was where I was. What was I hoping to gain by wishing otherwise? What was I hoping to gain by making where I am feel worse by focusing on where I was?
And right there I stepped out of the loop. No revenge on life – that’s not me anymore. I was resisting what was and that’s what was making more of what was. I could see it so clearly! It was lighting up what was like a christmas tree, making an indelible beacon-like memory out of it. Did I really want to keep a picture postcard perfect memory of that?
I took a deep breath, let it out, and focused on something else – and in no time I began to feel better. Nothing actually changed. I had just changed what I was deciding to focus on, and the world changed with me. Getting home was easy after that. I got something to eat out of the glove compartment and I just turned around, got back on the highway and easily and clearly made my way home.
Why had I not remembered I had food in the glovebox even though I was starving? Because I had been too busy focusing on being miserable to remember it was there. When I changed my point of focus, my mind was able to look elsewhere and let new possibilities in, and I suddenly remembered.
Since then, holding this space of Not Going There has been an ongoing endeavor. It seems that I have a habit of holding on to yucky stuff. I keep having to remind myself not to dwell, to just go with the flow, especially when the present manifestation – such as bumper to bumper traffic or an intense need to itch – insists that it be paid attention to.
This is a good learning experience for me – a chance to make a new habit!
Transcribed from audio recordings made on November 1st, 2006
This is basically transcribed verbatim, with a few edits here and there to clarify things. You’ll notice spiral thinking and repetition as I work my way up to ideas. The — you’ll see between some paragraphs indicates that I stopped recording, thought a while, then began again. The ***’s around text indicate additions I made while transcribing, to provide clarity for myself and others.
I look back, at all the dandelions I blew, all the time I waited for God to come and save me. I felt so very abandoned, so very angry at life. I had waited with open arms, and let life come to me, constantly. And I accepted it. But my eyes were closed the whole time. I had a sort of fatalistic…belief about life.
***In explanation of the dandelion comment – there were several very dark periods in my life. During those times, whenever I saw a dandelion that had gone into the puffball stage, I would pick it and blow on it, and watch the seeds fly away. And that was all I did. It was a gesture on my part, asking the universe to please help me already.***
I believed that life did things to you for a reason. ***That life was something that just happened to you, and you had to be open to receive its lessons, otherwise you would miss out on personal growth and being all that you were ‘meant’ to be.*** I gave up all of my power, when it came to being a part of that reason.
I thought that life was something that just sort of happened to you – not something that you invited in. I always had this sense of pre-destiny. Of fate. That life was something that happened to me – and that it was my one and only job to open to it as much as I could. Open to it, and do my best to keep my head above water because life had something to show me if I could be present enough to be aware of it.
That’s one of the main reasons I never developed any desires, or any solid plans, or anything else of my own for the majority of my life. It was because I was always in the neutral, receptive mode. I never took up my power – but I had decided that I was going to be angry about it! I believed that life had done horrible things to me while I was in receptive mode! And I was too busy angrily showing it what it had done to me to actually take up my own power. ***(I discovered – eventually – that taking revenge on life doesn’t work, by the way.
)***I believed I was a ship on the sea, at the whim of life’s winds, forced to experience and entirely alone. I had this over lighting belief that everything happened for a reason, and that there were no mistakes. I believed that life was something that happened to you, not with you. And I was very, very angry about it. Angry that the life that had happened to me wasn’t what I wanted – even though I had never once actually voiced or allowed myself to even think about what I actually wanted.
I thought that if I relaxed enough, and trusted, and was open enough, that everything life brought to me would be good – even without my active participation. That it couldn’t help but be good! There was a sense of pre-destiny and fate in my life, but now I understand that it’s mine to control as well.
I’m the creator of my own pre-destiny. I believe that I made my fate, back in the day before I was born. And so all the things that happened to me were for a reason – even my own misunderstanding about power. But now it’s time to change.
Now it’s time to let go of being a victim of life, and instead be a co-creator with it. Nothing happens to me, especially not anymore. Everything happens with me. It only happens to me if I choose to willfully close my eyes and be unaware of the part I play. I’m too awake for that now, and I wouldn’t want to go back.
—
Life didn’t abandon me. I abandoned myself… And I now understand how this whole life creating thing works. You have twisted energy and you, well, like attracts like. So, if you have twisted energy in you when it comes to relationships, then you attract relationships that reflect back this twisted energy.
Until you suffer enough, perhaps. Until you wake up – wake up to your own power to choose. To the fact that this isn’t what you want, that it’s not turning out how you thought it would, and you choose to revise your energy. It’s how we learn. We attract what we believe, and then live with it until we decide we don’t want to believe it anymore – or we can’t stand it anymore. We attract what we hold to be true.
—
Previously when life offered a clear line of action, I always took it. Because, I always thought that if there was a clear line of action, then that meant that I was supposed to take it. That I was meant to do it. Kinda fatalistic… but, I gave up my power of choice. And the thing is, by taking all those things on, I took on the most twisted stuff.
I learned a lot, but I was so angry at life betraying me, and life letting me down and putting me in horrible situations, that, what I learned from those traumas, those experiences, was kinda held in check a little bit. Because, I was too busy being angry at God, the universe and life itself for leading me into darkness.
***I didn’t actually gain the benefit from the experience until much later, when the reset button was hit on my life a few years ago. When I was suddenly faced with the choice: Live or Die, and I chose to live. Then, and only then, did I go about trying to figure out what it was that had gone so wrong.***
—
The thing is, by consciously (or unconsciously, whatever it was) choosing to take on anything that life gave to me, without fear or reservation, I put myself in a position to clear out karmic debt from the get go. I mean, that’s certainly not the best way to live, but it is the most straight forward way to live if you want to give yourself a whole lot to work with for deactivating twisted energy.
I’ve had all kinds of things happen in my life. It seems I learned a lot about relationships in particular. All kinds of situations revolving around allowing myself to be abused in all kinds of ways. Relationships seem to be my lesson of choice. My only lesson of choice really, now that I look back on it.
So, by closing my eyes to my own desires, by turning off my own internal ability to choose – by having that sense of fatalism – I began taking on karma to resolve real early, from the very beginning. A sort of ‘bring it on!’ attitude for life showing me my dark side. 28 years worth of, “Bring it on! Show me my dark side.”
I’ve been busy…
—
Since it was still me taking the action journey, but not trusting myself to make my own choice, I really set up a stressful environment for myself. I would stress out over every possible option, but in the end I would always take the one that made itself most obvious.
Good obvious or bad obvious, really… I spent so much time worrying, because every time I chose the obvious answer, it was usually a hard road, but I still always believed that it was the right thing to do. My belief in Fate was stronger than what my own experiences had taught me.
Somehow taking the road of hard knocks invariably felt like the right thing to do – and in the end, it was! Because all of those things led to me to where I am now, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I have so much to work with. So much personal experience that I can share with others, of having actually been there, and come through it.
—
I think the way I took the view I did with life, the way I worked with it – the fatalism – it wasn’t really bad. It was just this belief that Life Unfolds The Way It’s Meant to, and I Must Accept It.
I think I took that fatalistic stance with life because of the story my mom told me…I mean, I must have had a propensity for it anyway, but, it was the story that really gave me the conscious reason. The rationalization. The Belief. She told it to me when I was so young, it’s always been a part of my life. I mean, I was 3 years old when she told it to me, maybe even younger. It’s one of my first memories.
She told me about how she was going to leave my father when I was around 1 year old, and an angel appeared to her and said, “No, your daughter is going to be doing some very special things, and you need to stay where you are for those things to unfold as they’re meant to.”
And so she did, and I did, and…the thing is, ‘unfold as they’re meant to’ was the part that stuck in my head the whole time. What in the world did that mean, and how was I supposed to know what ‘meant to’ looked like? Apparently things are meant to be a certain way… and it was just my duty and job, my angelic whatever, to unfold into them,. To let them shape me as they’re meant to. I believed in that vision – I still do.
It was that belief that set up the original fatalistic thinking. And it was that belief that put me on the fast track for releasing whatever was enslaving me in my own soul. Reminds me of a song by this great group called Devotion…
Whatever is untruthful, I banish from my heart.
All the unessential, I take away, I break apart.
All that would enslave me, I cast out of my soul.
Hold me as you heal me now, and keep my spirit whole.
All the karmic debt that I had that I needed to fulfill – I let it come to me all at once. My idea of karma is my holding on to energy that needs to be rectified. It’s unfinished business.
And I…finished it. I’m sure there’s still some more…maybe not, but… Well, yes there is, there’s still more energy in me that is not what I would like. I think, anyway. Well, I’m of the assumption that if I’ve learned everything that I need to learn, I wouldn’t be here.
That assumption could be wrong – I’ve been told that I’m here to awaken humanity and mass consciousness, and that is something that I intuitively really resonate with… so maybe I’m just sticking around for that reason. But… I don’t feel perfect. Not by a long shot.
—
One thing I still have is a bundle of energy in me around not being good enough. Not being able to live up to… The story of the angel, it was so much. So huge. How am I supposed to live up to something like that? It was this honor, and pressure, at the same time. To accept one is to accept the other – and I did accept the one.
And, I still have some angst, some discomfort, around the frustration that I experienced all my life of nothing ever being good enough. I do know though, have always known, that I was not born into this particular life to settle or coast. I was born into this particular life to push beyond myself.
And I still believe that…
My husband was just telling me the other day that elephants have now joined the ranks of ‘intelligent’ animals, on par with the chimps and apes – an elephant recognized its own reflection for what it was: a reflection.
I’ve also been listening to a CD set that I got for my birthday, Infinite Possibilities – the Art of Living Your Dreams by Mike Dooley of Tut.com. He posed a very interesting thought on disc two, about the concept of original sin. I think I’ve processed it enough to be able to offer it here in my own words… I think. Here goes!
Basically he posited that original sin and the whole idea about the apple took place in the instant we first saw something, and classified it as outside of ourselves. The first instant that we believed that our world shaped us, and not the other way around, created a cascade effect. We then formed beliefs that allowed us to interact with, and defend ourselves from, our own creation.
Where in truth, the world is a reflection of our beliefs, of our thoughts. Just like the quark that isn’t there unless we expect it to be – so it goes with the apple. And the whole world. We observe the world into existence – not the other way around. And it started with that first misunderstanding, which has allowed us to travel very far from our true natures – so that we might have the fun of coming back.
So, here’s where I’m going with this. I was pondering the elephant and the mirror. And then us, and reality. Us, thus far seeing our own reflections and thinking it’s something other than ourselves. That even as our thoughts parrot back to us in the form of ‘reality’, we still believe some creator other than ourselves is responsible for it.
And then I had the thought – I wonder if there is some very advanced form of life out there in some other dimension or something that’s waiting for us to pass their intelligence test. 
I was working on my book yesterday, Wake Up and Smell the Bliss, talking about how our life is shaped by our thoughts, and how our thoughts are shaped by our beliefs. And how our beliefs are what create the structure from which we perceive our lives. They create the box inside which we live.
Seeing outside the box necessitates our seeing outside of our own beliefs, and this can be tough since all that we experience is shaped and colored by our own box. What is required to get a glimpse of our own box, and thus of some of the limitations we may have unknowingly placed upon ourselves that we may want to leave behind, is the use of distanced perspective.
This can be achieved through the use of story, of parable. By putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes, we can attain suspension of disbelief long enough to get some distance from our own shoes. From this distanced perspective, we gain the ability to turn around and get a good look at who we are and how we perceive. We can get a look at some of the limitations we may be living from, at that very moment – especially when the story is in the form of a specifically crafted teaching dream.
We feel safe with our dreams. We have honed the ability to discount them on a whim as nothing but a random assortment of images whenever we have the urge. After having done some research into the subject, I have come to believe that they are anything but. I have come to believe that our dreams are messages for us from ourselves – sometimes vague, sometimes crystal clear, but alway containing some bit of helpful information.
I just had a very interesting dream… It was a teaching dream, I’m sure of it. Here’s how it went.
I’m a young woman, a girl fairy who is part of a fairy society. There’s an older fairy – and this isn’t all that uncommon – who she doesn’t know all that well, who has taken ill. The whole area is buzzing with activity, people working to help this stately fairy woman manage her affairs. The girl has already participated in this long enough to have gotten tired.
A line of fairies has been steadily moving through who are going up to where the fairy woman is resting and offering some of their life force – what they have to spare. As it ends up, everyone always has some to spare, in varying amounts depending on what they’ve saved up. How much you have to spare at a given time isn’t readily apparent.
The girl decides at the last second that it would look bad if she didn’t offer at least something. She steps up, last in line to offer energy, but she realizes she has almost nothing to spare at the moment. It’s not that she’s being greedy, she’s just had very little time to store up, but she’s afraid of appearing greedy in front of everyone else. As the girl comes to the front of the line, the fairy in front of her who just made her offering passes by, looking proud an drained.
The girl realizes that if this fairy passing her, who was so bubbly and vivacious and full of life just a moment ago, is looking drained – what would making an offering do to her? Suddenly she is in front of the woman, feeling very intimidated, as if she has entered a sphere of influence larger and much grander than herself.
The girl begins to say, “You know, I really don’t have much to offer…”
The fairy woman interrupts her, saying, “Ohhh… I see. That’s okay, dear,” in a very syrupy I-know-you’re-just-putting-yourself-before-anyone-else voice. “You can just come by tomorrow,” she says, pausing for a long space to take a breath. “If you don’t have it in you, that’s fine. It’s time for me to go, anyway.”
The implication is that the girl is falling below the fairy woman’s standards, and she responds to this immediately, without even thinking. “Oh, no! No, it’s okay, I have a little bit to spare.”
The fairy woman responds with the air of one who is doing the girl a favor by allowing her to give after all, and nods, “Well then, since we’re all done here, why don’t you come back to my place with me?”
The girl barely has a chance to respond before she’s taken by the hand and whisked away by the fairy woman – with a surprising show of energy – to an extremely remote part of the caves. It all happens so fast that no one sees them leave.
This isn’t the way things are normally done, the girl thinks, suspicion rising and growing stronger as the fairy woman hurriedly helps her off with her dress through the use of telekinesis (a very draining ability) and then flies to an adjacent chamber, leaving her alone.
Left in just a thin shift, the girl shivers and begins to think this was a bad idea. It didn’t make any sense for the woman to take her away from the public meeting hall just to partake of some of her energy… What was happening?
Before she has a chance to really formulate any solid misgivings, she is lifted off the ground telekinetically and floated to another room that seems to be dedicated to a single purpose – though what, the girl doesn’t know. She is laid down in the middle of a huge bowl-like depression in the cave floor, at least ten feet in diameter and filled with rose petals. The woman is nowhere in sight.
The girl suddenly gets the feeling that she’s very special. Not many people are invited to the woman’s place like this.
A voice speaks in her mind, the fairy woman’s voice, “Just open to the experience, and relax.”
For the first time, alarm bells really start to go off in the girl’s mind. This was not what she was expecting. This is not what she signed up for. She’s half naked, all alone with this person. No one knows where she is. She’s defenseless, and this woman is incredibly powerful and suddenly showing a whole lot more energy than the girl at first thought she was capable of. In the main hall she had barely been moving, apparently conserving all of her strength because of her illness…or was it something else?
And then another voice comes into the girl’s head, her own voice coming in response to the alarm bell feelings, “You don’t want her to think badly of you, do you? You don’t want her to think you’re not a generous person, do you? Do you really want to appear ungrateful? Why is it that you’re suspicious of this amazing person? What does that say of you, looking for darkness in everyone?”
These thoughts scare the girl a great deal, and she shakes her head to clear it – of the thoughts, and the alarm bells. She turns her attention to the lady, awaiting further instruction, even more willing to do anything the woman wants her to do than she was when she first arrived.
She eagerly awaits what will happen next, even as new images begin to play in her head of herself being drained to the point of death. Would anyone notice her absence, she wonders? She pushes these thoughts angrily from her head as ungenerous, suspicious and unrealistically negative – and awaits her fate, determined to welcome it with open arms.
And…that’s when I woke up! I have no idea what happened, but I have a feeling it wasn’t good… I got the sense that the girl was utterly discounting her own sense of self preservation because her fear of others thinking badly of her was much more powerful and insistent. I think she dies, becoming entirely absorbed by the woman, and no one ever finds out what happened to her. She was played the fool, a victim of her own beliefs.
I know that when I do tarot readings for myself, the ‘overly pre-occupied with what others may think of you’ card comes up for me a lot. I’m constantly discounting my ideas, especially when it comes to taking action, because I’m afraid of what people will think of me if things go badly…
I was the girl fairy… Even now, going back, thinking about the dream and what it was like being the girl, I would have made the same decisions she did – and that’s messed up. As I am right now with the beliefs I currently hold true – I would have died, just like her.
Fear of looking bad is apparently more important to me right now than my own sense of self-preservation… It appears that something dysfunctional is going on, here. Thank you, Dream, for making it so clear without my actually having to experience it!
Time to go do some belief system re-working!
11-01-06 – 2:25pm
A friend of mine recently made a list of all the lessons that her experience with a particular health problem has taught her. This was one of them, and it really resonated with me.
If you don’t like the way things look, change how you look at them!
It’s so true! Here’s what she had to say about her recent, personal experience with it – reprinted with her permission of course.
“My illness has forced me to spend more time in bed each month. Far cry from being up every day a 6..out the door to do business back home at 6..spend 2 hours with kids then more business! So now I am in bed about 20 hours a day. My bedroom is cluttered with everything i need in arms reach. My hubby even bought me a water cooler to put right next to my bed so I have hot tea and cold tea when desired. He gave me a rock/water feature, an ionic pro air cleaner and a remote controlled fan. All striving for my well being. The first year I slept in the guest room because of my pain. Then we slept together for 2 months,now he sleeps in the guest room. My sleep is sporadic and sometimes im up all night watching tv.
You might hate this room for being trapped here. But in this room is a life in transition. I am changing and growing and becoming a much better version of me. I appreciate this room for the comfort and shelter it gives me. I have expanded my creativity into all sorts of craft projects. I have 3 cats , 2 dogs to make me smile. I am not alone. My client base that I nurtured for years, now nurtures me. Others have learned and grown in their character and have learned many lessons.”
I began to wonder how I would describe thisexperienceif someone asked me, and I realized, I would tell a story of my own, short sweet and to the point. Here it is!
The Alarm Clock of Doom
or
The Alarm Clock of Deep Healing
So! A month or two ago my alarm clock I’ve had for who knows how long finally ticked its last – and so I got a new one! In the store its extra large number readout was this awesome luminescent blue color, so nice and soothing and easy to see. It had a pleasing shape, too – dome-like instead of like my old one which was boxy but good. It was love at first sight.
I brought it home and happily placed it next to my bed on the nightstand, plugged it in and bathed in the blue radiance, and smiled. Went about my day, and then came bedtime. I smiled one last time at my beautiful clock, then turned off the light and rolled over to go to sleep.
After a minute or two, I realized something was really wrong. I opened my eyes and realized it was so bright in the room that I could read by the blue light of my new clock! It was practically like sleeping with the lights on! There was no way, I decided, that I could possibly sleep with it that bright in the room.
At first I covered it up entirely, and then it was blissfully dark – but I couldn’t tell what time it was! That kinda defeated the purpose. I looked on the sides of the clock to see if there was a dim switch. There was, but it was already set to low. I turned it up and then it was really bright. Turned it back down, then sat there grumping over it. There seemed to be no good solution! Was I going to have to buy a new clock, when I had just begun my love affair with this one?
I really did love the quality of the light, when I thought about it… even if I couldn’t get to sleep because it was so bright. I looked at it for a while, sitting there in the ‘dark’, and then the thought came to me that Archangel Michael – one of my favorite etheric beings to work with – is on the First Ray, the Blue Ray. Archangel Michael is, in my mind, the guy in charge of helping people let things go – and my own healing journey has been all about letting things go… So, I decided, right then and there, to change the way I was seeing my clock.
I decided that the blue light was a lovely healing light. And that when I wanted to tune in to letting things go and healing, I could just bask in its radiance and call on Archangel Michael. And, you know, since the light will always be there – I could consider myself to be always in its healing influence whenever I was sleeping! Why, I was incredibly lucky to have such a healing resource right there for me!
I looked around the room and smiled. And basked. And healed. And went to sleep with no problem at all with a smile on my face. *hugs her wonderful clock* Now every night I actually notice the blue light – which has become less and less frequent – I just smile and thank myself for inviting such a healing influence into my life.
What could have been a really irritating experience with me unplugging the thing and returning it ended in a totally different experience…because I was able to change the way I looked at it.
I really do feel that this applies life-wide. It’s all about exercising our ability to choose how we perceive. By choosing how we perceive, we choose what we experience. Like that saying on Tut.com – ‘Thought Creates – Choose the Good Ones.’ Most of the time we perceive on auto-pilot, allowing our past to dictate how we experience and perceive our present. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. We really get to choose! Whenever we decide to exercise our power of choice of how we see our world – we get to choose what we experience.
11-01-06 – 3:11pm
I did it twice. Yep. First time was a minor offense because I stumbled into it. Second time was a big deal. There isn’t going to be a third time.
When you become skilled as an empath, I’ve discovered that you’re very definitely held to a higher level of ethical practice. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
I knew that delving into someone’s energy without their permission and/or express knowledge was a no no. I mean, that’s like rifling through someone’s underwear drawer – it’s the heart of who they are, and it’s not okay to see them nakeder than naked unless it’s serving a higher purpose – it’s just not. And what’s more imporant – I believe that it’s not.
I don’t know what would happen if someone believed that it was okay for them to do this…would they have the same experience I did? I really don’t know.
All I know is, I went against what I knew was right the first time because I didn’t pay attention to my own warning bells, and because I thought I was ‘being helpful’. Really, it was just all about ego. The smack down from the Universe on that one wasn’t so bad, even though it was an infraction of what I knew to be ‘right’, because it was the first time I had done something like that – and because I wasn’t consciously aware that I was performing a no no at the time. I was totally lost in my own ego. (Yeah, this was during the snacking on my own foot phase, mentioned in a previous post. )
The second time I did it because I wanted help, yes, but moreover I wanted to be impressive. My husband had a new boss coming in – the old one had resigned and was replaced. He had never met the guy and was feeling some anxiety about what he would be like. I asked him if he had a picture and…he did! The guy apparently had a family website. And, I read his energy and told my husband all about him.
Oops…
I made all kinds of rationalizations for myself at the time… I was reassuring my husband, yeah… I wasn’t doing anything to the guy, just checking him out. What’s the harm in that?
Well, the harm is that it’s just wrong. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me! Privacy is important, and it’s very important that I figure that out now before I become even more skilled.
So what’s this smack down from the Universe I keep talking about? Well… It’s feeling this sense of foreboding that just won’t quit. This crazy severe anxiety that gets stronger and stronger until it feels as if a meteor hitting your house isn’t just a slim possibility but is actually immenent.
You can’t breath or think – it’s a feeling that makes one want to sit in the corner and cry. Or throw up. Or something. It’s not comfortable. I don’t recommend it.
Finally I figured out what I had done. Finally I realized that I had broken my own personal ethics and done a Bad Thing. I told my husband about what I had done and that it was wrong of me, and I also swore to myself/God/whoever was listening that I would never do it again. And as soon as I did, the feeling went away 100%. I think the Universe sensed that I had learned my lesson.
Now that I think about it… I didn’t ask Archangel Gabriel or Michael to help me have the highest level of expression I could, or help me to perform the reading for the highest and greatest good, like I usually do. Both times, I just went on in and took a look around. Guess I wouldn’t have done it if I had thought to ask for help.
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