New Thoughts – Part III, The Importance of Maintaining Balance

Balance is ssoooo important, I’m finding!

So, in my previous entry, part II, I talked about opening to love, and allowing the heart chakra to open. I was pretty gung ho about playing with this newly awakened understanding, and allowed everything else to fall by the wayside for a bit.

By the time I came in to see Steve on Thursday afternoon for our weekly session, I was a mess. When he began running energy and sending it to me, I felt as if I were split in two. Part of me, the part of my energy that responded first, was open and happy and joyful and basking. It felt sweet and innocent and pure.

Suddenly the other part of me rose up with about 8,000 reasons why being so open was a very bad idea. It felt chaotic and tight and linear and scared half to death. The first part of me didn’t fade back, or disappear, or even bat an eyelash at this newcomer. It was almost as if it wasn’t aware of the newcomer being there at all. I just watched it naturally take less precedence as my energy avalanched and the scared part took over and ran rampant, the part that was fighting relaxing and fighting the opening.

Feeling that part of me become drowned out by the fear was a terrible thing. It was like a beautiful, pure note, totally connected and radiant and subtle…with a crashing band suddenly plonked down right next to it (on top of it?) playing to their absolute maximum, not paying attention to what they’re playing, the impact they’re having, or even that the other note ever existed at all. Playing for the sake of not being silent. Playing because they were afraid to stop, even if their fingers were bleeding and they could barely breath because to stop would be to… what? I dunno!

This is actually starting to sound a lot like metaphors I have heard for the mind, and the ego, afraid of ceasing to be… iiiiinteresting!

Anyway…this set up such a discord in me, such a discordance between the one note and the many off-notes. And I couldn’t for the life of me let go of the off-notes! They reigned supreme for a while there. The only thing I was able to do was stay half a step ahead of them, saying, “I know that’s not true, I know that’s not true…” I couldn’t get a moment’s peace long enough to catch my breath and rally my resources to remember not to push back, to remind myself I was safe. All I had the energy left for was to say, “No. No no no no.” Which doesn’t work, I know…but even knowing that on a deep level, it’s all I had left in me to respond with.

The pressure this set up in me was immense, and I ended up just quietly crying, totally lost in my own head for a while. The waves of love coming from Steve as he basically just held the space for me (I opened my eyes and could see him there, standing at the head of the table with his arms spread.) were, at this point, actually painful – they acted as more of a reminder of what I had lost touch with than as a soothing balm. It was awful to experience… Like experiencing the anti-thesis to opening to love: Closing to Love. Not just closing to it, but knowing it’s there and being unable to trust it enough to let it in. I could feel the energy rolling over me, feel my mind and thoughts parrying each wave almost as if it were an enemy.

This was not okay with me, but I wasn’t able to do anything else other than say No. I decided that maybe if the pressure was less, maybe if the reminder of what was missing stopped for a moment, I could catch my breath and rally my inner resources, now that I knew how far gone I was. Oddy enough this was difficult to do, too – it was as part of me wanted to feel the pain of love being parried because at least it was a reminder that it was there at all. I knew there could be more, though – I KNEW that I had the capacity in me somewhere to FEEL that love. I had done it before so I could do it again and dammit, I was going to!

In that anger, I found the strength to move and do something other than just say No to my scared self. I started talking. The waves stopped, and I let them, focusing on Steve as I asked him what my energy was doing from his perspective. Here’s what he said:

He said that my crown chakra (connection with all that is) and my third eye chakra (clear sight, psychic schtuff) were open and flowing, but only upward – they weren’t connected well or communicating well with the rest of my energetic system. My throat chakra (communication, will) was a bit closed/off. My heart chakra (connection with others, love) was going nuts, moving in its own pattern, totally doing its own thing and out of whack with the rest of the system. The solar plexus chakra (Sense of Self, power) was clogged, the sacral chakra (creativity, sexuality) and first chakra (survival, base physical requirements like food and shelter) appeared to be doing fine.

My theory is, I got my heart dancing to a new groove and then didn’t send a memo to the rest of the chakras. I didn’t give them time or space to regain balance, to integrate, to get on board with the new vibration to which my heart chakra was now resonating. This set up a huge amount of stress in my system. Parts of me really were dancing to different beats, vibing to different resonances. I had raised the vibration of one section – the heart – by a LOT, and not the rest of them.

Now the system is self-correcting, usually. Under most circumstances, change is slow and subtle and there’s ample time for everything to gently get the message and move to the new step. The changes I initiated in my heart were abrupt and dramatic, and I didn’t give myself any time to regain balance. I was so excited by the whole thing that I just kept moving from one cool experience to the next, while the gulf in resonance between my chakras (notice it was the chakras closest to the heart that were feeling it most, and the outermost ones weren’t impacted much by it at all.) continued to widen.

To return to me there on the table with Steve working on me, I felt the need to address myself, Myself. That it needed to be me that first soothed myself and took the first step toward saying Yes instead of No. I felt the need to Do Something before I could relax into allowing. So, I told Steve I wanted to do something for myself first if he could just stop and wait a moment, and then I did!

I performed a healing with deeper perception invocation upon myself that I had created along with Pam Warner last year after some fun with balancing chakras. I’ll share it here with you, now I added the words ‘align and connect’ that day with Steve. The original one she and I created on that day was ‘clear and balance’ alone.

Archangel Michael, (or any other archangel, Goddess, or God, or ascended master that you enjoy working with – the only prerequisite is that it be an entity on a much higher plane of resonance than yourself)

Please Clear and Balance, Align and Connect, all levels of all of my chakras… … (take a deep deep breath and relax as much as possible, opening to any sensations you may feel that will bring you the confirmation you may be looking for, and then say,) Now.

Please fill me with Divine Love… … Light… … and Power.

Whenever I do this, I feel energy run up and down my body. I feel things shift and move and rush and swivel and all kinds of things. It is my belief that anyone can do this. I work with the archangels and other higher entities all the time so am familiar with the feel of them, but aside from that there’s nothing that makes me any different than anyone else making this request. Those entities are all there for us to call upon at any time. Why not make use of their constant, ever-loving presence?

I then let Steve know that I was done, and he returned to working on me. He asked me what I did, and said that everything was much better. Not absolutely perfect, but better.

Now why wouldn’t everything be made perfectly shiny better and new when you have an archangel come in and help you? I believe that this is because higher entities automatically help you to the level that is for your best and highest good, greatest ease and highest comfort. They can see from a much higher perspective than we can. If Archangel Michael were to have given me a whole new perfectly aligned, balanced, cleared and connected chakra system – I wouldn’t have done it myself. I would have missed out on something important, and so it was done to the degree that it served me best, at that time.

After that, I was able to relax somewhat. It was as if my mind had finally just tired itself out. I wasn’t able to bask in the innocent tone of perfection that I had felt for just a moment earlier in the session, but I was able to just receive in a semi-neutral state. I was able to stop running and parrying and just Be for a little while, and that was perfect for me.

I am glad that I had these experiences…however, what I am going to take away with me from this is a greatly increased understanding of the importance of maintaining balance. The importance of allowing for integration time. Even when everything is AWESOME and you’re having a great, exciting expansion time with all kinds of discoveries and fun, there’s still rest that is needed. Down time. Integration time, so the rest of you can catch up to the beat of that new drum you’re playing with and get on board.

This is important for maintaining comfort, but also just for maintaining all of those great experiences. Toward the end there, I wasn’t able to do much of anything, great experiences or the normal mundane ones, I was so out of balance. I got so out of balance that I lost the ability to be aware that I was out of balance! All I knew was that something was amiss in a big way and that I had no idea what to do about it.

Steve recommended going home and having bored time, and I remembered that I had written a blog entry about exactly that thing, not all that long ago. Guess I needed a real-life example to help bring that understanding home in a new way. A new layer of understanding of just how important it is to maintain balance – and why.

The Nature of God, the Universe, and Everything :)

I’m finding that as I speak, especially when it’s to an audience (or in this case, an audio recorder!) that if I get to that place where I’m no longer actively thinking, sometimes the most beautiful words come out! I felt led to do this today, and so, I did! I found that as I speak understanding comes out of my mouth, instead of my figuring it out… I’ve been doing this more and more lately, but this is the first time I ever consciously tried it like this.

I had been pondering this for a while… All day in fact… The nature of God, the universe and everything, that is. I felt like I had some neat ideas but that things weren’t gelling. So, I lay down, got into that floaty no-thought space, and hit record. The following is what came out! I kept the first line in there to maintain the integrity of the original recording, though it definitely has a different feel to it. It’s actually really interesting to feel the difference in vibe between the intro and when I let go and just…start talking. The language changes… Very interesting.

So, it appears that what I recorded is my Truth of the moment. In explanation, as paradoxical as it sounds, I’m finding that truth changes… It’s not that the previous truth was false… It’s seems that it’s more about changing perspective. True and False really starts to lose meaning, after a while. My previous truth was just as true then as this truth is for me now…and I’m sure this truth will give way to a new truth as I grow and evolve.

The following is a higher, deeper version of what I was coming to while my mind was in gear, one that was only able to form once I got out of the way and allowed myself to relax into it. It comes from a higher space of Me than I have regular access too while consciously aware. Be it my higher self or stream of consciousness…it is the highest level of expression I am capable of at this time.

So, I’m pondering the nature of God, the universe, and our place in it, etc. etc. Why we’re here, what’s the point, who we are as human beings…stuff like that.

And, we’re here as spirit in a body, to have a human experience.

We’re here as God, coming to know God’s self.

We are here to discover for ourselves that we are limitless, by taking on limitation by choice. By taking on limitation, and forgetting that we’re limitless.

And so this process of living, this process of life, is a process of Remembering. Suffering and pain…takes place when we are in a state of Forgetting. When we are swaying more in the direction of limited, than limitless.

Fear is the driving force behind limitation. It’s what keeps the whole thing together, keeps it going. It’s what keeps the whole illusion running, and allows us to choose limitation, so that we may discover and begin to choose limitlessness.

We’re all here together, having this experience together. We are the many that are one. And the One that is many.

Our human vehicles are designed for limitation. Our spirit is designed for No limitation.

And so our experience is that point at which these two concepts come together, and express.

The mind is the interface that allows us to be here. To take in data. To take in and have experiences. It is the time keeper, the record keeper. We were never meant to be a slave to it. And it was never meant to be a slave to us, either. It is designed for limitlessness and limitation.

The real reason we’re here is to choose, and allow our expression to shape our choice.

It’s the most perfect environment you could ever imagine for such a thing – this world, these vehicles. As our experience, as our world becomes shaped to our choices, they’re reflected back to us, lovingly and perfectly. Allowing us to choose again…and choose again…and choose again…

To refine, and re-define, and reach for that limitlessness that is the essence of that which we are.

To Remember.

New Thoughts – Part II, Opening to Love

I spoke with my husband at length after writing the last entry. About love, and being present to it and open to it, and why I may have closed down – aside from just the protection of others.

He brought up the obvious right away…the many experiences of abuse I had as a child. As soon as he did I realized that my closing down includes protecting myself from others right along with protecting others from me.

I’ve decided… That was then, this is now. I’m an adult now, with the power to consciously shape my own world through the choices I make. The past helped bring me to where I am now and I am thankful for that, but it isn’t something that needs to limit where I go from here.

I choose to choose again.

I choose to begin to open, fully mindful of the request of my inner little me, my inner child, to keep me/us safe while doing so.

So! That said, I made this choice a couple days ago, and have already begun working with it!

The first thing I did was lay down, relax, and get a feel for my heart. I feel that all of this is centered around the heart area, the heart chakra in particular. Interestingly enough, I have been working with mindfully opening the back of the heart chakra for a while now, with my playing with having my wings open all the time. I think I have referred to this before in some entry or another… Oh, no, upon looking I realize I haven’t really. Well, briefly:

You basically just imagine and allow your energy to flow out the back of your heart chakra, between your shoulder blades, in such a way as to form wings. And…it does so naturally on its own as soon as you become present to it. Once you do this you play with them some more, breathing more energy into them. It gets to a point where they’re almost like another set of arms! You can wrap these around people in hugs (highly recommended!) or spread them way out to ’sense’ an area, or pass them over a crowd. I like to open them reaaaal wide while driving, allowing them to brush over everyone around me if they’re open to it.

As I have grown and expanded, I have noticed changes in these wings, too! Bigger, denser, changing in color – at first they were very ephemeral wings of blue and pink and green light… At this time, they’re much denser and mostly white, appearing in my mind’s eye to be a lot more like classic angel wings. What this means, I dunno – I’m just going with it and enjoying.

Anyway! So, yes, I have worked with the back of the heart a lot. But when I lay down and went within and tapped into the front of my heart chakra, it was pretty closed. As I worked with relaxing and allowing it to open, I got the vision of a big, rusty iron door like something out of a movie – and not just a rusty door, but a rusty door with one of those springs on it that shuts it again automatically? Yeah, those.

I used optical pink calcite as I worked with this because I felt led to do so… Actually, I had intended to look it up! I’ll do so now, let’s see… (It’s always cool to get confirmation. Hopefully I get it, this time ) Ah, yeah! Emotional healing, compassion, joy. Facilitates the state of unconditional love. Oh, and look! “Sometimes, in meditation, one will feel the unexpected joyful opening of the heart.” (from The Book of Stones) Yay confirmation!

So, I lay the transparent pink calcite on my heart and breathed and relaxed and opened. It actually, unexpectedly, hurt a bit…not terribly, just flashes of discomfort. I didn’t do it too much because I’m not a glutton for punishment and know these things have to be taken slowly… I opened the door about a foot or so, and then continued working with it until it was a little easier to open and didn’t slam shut so automatically/immediately.

Afterward I found that I’ve been going around with that door shut almost all the time! Once I had felt what it was like to be closed, and then begin to open, I could repeat the experience without laying down in meditation. It feels like, to push the door open a whole ‘nother notch would involve another time of meditation with the calcite, but for now, I’m good. Baby steps!

First ‘real world’ baby step – I began opening it on purpose, here and there, surrounding myself with white light and the knowing that I am perfectly safe. First I encountered my husband, and I realized that by choosing to be open, for the first time ever I was allowing love to come to me, from him, unencumbered… It felt like a soft breeze and was utterly bizarre. I actually didn’t know what to do with it…maybe I’m not supposed to do anything…

And that was when I had the confirmation that I had really been looking for: I now know for sure that I haven’t been allowing people to love me…not for a very, very long time at least. I’ve been all about giving and not about receiving and it didn’t matter how much love they had for me or how they expressed it. Only the reflection on a mental level (Like, I’ve always known my husband loves me, for instance) has been able to reach me.

Next I decided to see what it was like to open downstairs in the living room. Just…to Be, and Be in Openness. I had the sudden very shocking realization experience that love is coming to us at all times from EVERY atom in existence. Everything around me was light, and it was all experiencing me at the same exact instant as I was seeing it. And seeing ALL of me. Seeing much more of me than I was able to perceive, myself, even!

I looked at the walls. The chair I was sitting on. The tv. All of it. All made of the same stuff, and all of it sending waves and waves of love. I realized it wasn’t actually in waves, but that waves was my only way of being able to take it in. Something about the way the physical world works – that was beyond me and I let it go. There are some things I just really don’t feel a need to figure out

This convinced me that there was really something to this whole opening thing. So, again I decided to consciously be open, this time in the grocery store. Of course with a huge white bubble of light around me and Archangel Michael on my shoulder – I want things to be comfortable, easy and joyful, thankyouverymuch.

And it was so interesting! Yes, everything is made of the same stuff, but there’s something else to living beings! They are AWARE. Everything is a spark of god, the chair the table the walls… and they’re perceiving, as well… but people and animals and even plants… They’re actively, consciously aware. Mobile awareness. Interactively may actually be an even better word for it… Interactively aware.

As time has gone by, the fantastic-like moments of clarity have faded. They’re still there! Just, I think I’m starting to get used to it as I spend more and more time and remember more and more often to have my heart open. The denser, white-feather-like wings I’m now walking around with came about just recently, too, after I began to be consciously open… I think it has something to do with the more love I allow in, the more love I have to give…

Along with this, I’m also experiencing people showing me love much more than previously. Perhaps it’s my focus on it that’s drawing it to me, who knows! I do know I like it, and that nothing terrible has happened to me from being open. My inner little me is starting to get used to the whole thing…starting to relax…

I noticed that the muscles in my chest and shoulders and whole torso area have also been less tense lately… Perhaps the energetic tension created by holding the heart chakra closed in the front reflected into the physical experience… and now relaxing it, opening it, is resulting in the physical reflection also relaxing… Makes sense to me. It actually feels easier, on the whole, to breath!

In keeping with this, and in the spirit of the previous entry (which at its beginning was about the resonance of dis-ease, and how stress plays a major role in dysfunction sticking around after the vibe that originally created it is gone), I created a new set of affirmations for myself. I say them before going to bed, and upon waking. I turned it into a fun, creative project for myself and made a poster for the wall next to my bed! Here’s a small copy of it.

I put the poster up and began working with it just the other night, and I’m already greatly enjoying the feel of it!

New Thoughts on My Own Healing

I am so very well… However, I also woke up in more pain and dysfunction today than I have experienced in, well…a REALLY long time…

I have really begun to wonder, lately: If I am so happy and well, why am I still in dis-ease? Why am I still symptomatic of dis-ease(s) that resonate with a state of being that I no longer vibe with? These are the vibes that I majorly resonated with for a very long time in my life. Here is a line from Myss book about chronic dis-ease that makes total sense to me. She said,

“Chronic diseases develop as a result of chronically or continually dysfunctional emotional, psychological and/or spiritual patterns that remain ongoing sources of stress in a person’s life. These patterns are frequently unconscious, meaning that they blend into what we consider to be our personalities or basic natures. They are the ‘that’s just the way I am’ part of ourselves that we usually don’t think about, much less recognize as dysfunctional.” (pg. 224)

In a nutshell, here are the resonances of that which I am working with, also taken from Caroline Myss book, The Creation of Health.

Rheumatoid Arthritis: This illness is generated by a combination of chronic anger and resentment. Specifically, these emotions are generated because a person feels controlled by the emotional and/or psychological needs of someone with whom they are closely involved. Usually, the patient themselves perceives the controlling source as a person who is emotionally very dependent, and, for that reason, the patient feels unable to challenge the imbalanced emotional dynamics of the relationship. In one sense, the patient often feels as though he or she is being held in emotional bondage with no alternative available for emotional release other than to internalize it. The patient perceives that his or her own movements are being restricted due to the demands of the other person. (pg. 237)

Now this was me all over for a long time. But first, it was my mother, and the dance she played with my father. A dance that she passed on to me, and that I then embodied right on into my own life after leaving home. I attracted people to me left and right that enabled me to continue to play out the above dynamic, to an even more greatly heightened and painful degree.

Here is the other half of the dynamic to which I was dancing for a very long time:

Lupus: Lupus originates in continual and intense feelings of self-hate and disappointment in oneself. Specifically, these negative feelings toward oneself emerge out of an inability to challenge one’s own weaknesses, specifically weaknesses that relate to major life patterns, such as being controlled by the expectations of a parent, or never being able to take a risk and follow one’s dreams. One lives in a continual cycle of repeating the same frustrating situations because these patterns of artificial boundaries or limitations exert more control over a person than his or her capacity to break through them. (pg. 242)

Now I never got to the self-hate section of Lupus. I was all about the disappointment, and I was all about the anger at myself for being unable to break through those artificial limitations and boundaries.

These two different dynamics played off each other during the time in my life while they held sway, as you can imagine… The RA dynamic feeding the Lupus dynamic, and vice versa. Quite a loop I was in! Now, granted, I’m in my own box and so am not all that objective in this, but, for my own part, I look at myself now, and the roles I play and the emotional dynamics I embody, and I see no trace of those previous resonances… I feel empowered. I feel as if I am living my dream – I really am! – and that I am capable of anything I may want to be capable of.

I wonder… I wonder if I am now resonating to that vibe due to anger at myself for being unable to break through the limitations and boundaries I created for myself by creating the dis-ease in the first place? Hmm! Wouldn’t that be ironic, and, honestly, just like me. *points to the ‘that’s just the way I am’ quote from above* What a pretty loop that would be to be stuck in… self sustaining and everything!

So, if I were to say I felt trapped by anything, it would be by the dis-ease(s) itself, and the physical patterns it left behind. Why, though…why have those patterns not disappeared, once the underlying, originating emotional resonance was left behind? I may feel a bit constricted by the state of my body, but it’s certainly not a pre-occupying thought like the other resonances were during the original creation of the disease… (or is it?)

Well, either way, I think I have a few glimmerings of why that may be…the first one of which is again taken from Myss’ book, the Creation of Health. (this is one of her older books, btw! 1988, when she was first starting out and learning about the equivalence connection between emotion and dis-ease. Good, clear, concise and un-spun stuff. I feel that a lot of her writing got a little garbled and flowery over time…the stuff in this book goes right to the heart of the matter, with no attempts at maintaining an image or anything else other than getting the vital info out there. Indispensable resource.)

“Chronic negative patterns create chronic disease.

To some extent, we each have a ‘cup’ of stress reserves; our amounts differ in strength and size. Additionally, we have various inherent weak spots as demonstrated by the simple diagram on the following page. (I had some fun in photoshop and reproduced the image they have. Not a perfect likeness, but it gets the point across! )

As long as our total stress remains below the weak spot, we are relatively ‘well’. When chemical, physical and emotional stress approaches the weak spot, we develop symptoms of dysfunction. As we exceed our ‘tolerance,’ we become ill. Thus, chronic illness represents the sate of balance between being free of symptoms and illness. As the total of chemical, physical and emotional stress increases, we become increasingly ill. When our limit is reached, our reserves are used and we die. Reducing stress can restore health if we reduce the total stress below the free of symptoms line.”

I have three theories…all tied in together of course. The primary over-lighting theory is that I’m a pretty stressful person, just in general. The interesting question to ask with this, though, is why… It’s something that I, again, just accepted as ‘just the way I am.’ But, what if this ‘just the way I am’ part of me isn’t required? What if it’s so dysfunctional that it alone is what is keeping me in a state of dis-ease? What if I’m keeping my mug o’ stress depleted to the point of hereditary weakness, constantly, because of these continual, underlying stress patterns? Which, for me, is High Strung All the Time.

I have a catch phrase which I’ve held on to for WAY too long… You know those personal stories, the ones you tell yourself and others? Yeah, it’s one of those…one that I’ve put power into by sharing it with others. Abraham-hicksness states that thoughts are powerful, but words are even more powerful because they’re preceded by thought which has then been given the power necessary to begin to manifest, by your giving it by expressing it to an audience in the outside world who will then help you to reinforce that chosen reality by believing in it, too. My catch phrase of choice is, “It takes a lot of energy to look this relaxed!”

Yeah. Like all that energy that would be keeping me out of the ‘Illness’ and ‘Hereditary Weakness’ zones. For one day, I concentrated on being stress-free, relaxing totally. It called for incredible vigilance and was incredibly tiring all by itself, but I felt better the next day than I had felt in years. Ever since then I have been attempting to de-stress, and figure out how to reproduce it. Perhaps it’s the amount of will power involved, I dunno, but for whatever reason I have been unable to come anywhere near that one day… I have known for a long time that it’s the key to my healing, though, and that it’s all about relaxing into well being…

And yet even with this key… Even when holding the keys to the kingdom in my very hand, I have been unable to use it. o.O

So here we are back again where we started… but this time we’re down to a single question, which it feels to me to be, “Why can’t I let myself relax?” Hehe

The reason I expend so much energy to appear relaxed is so as not to scare people. It started with my dad, and my mom telling me not to stand out too much. Not to stand out at all, if possible. Not to be noticed. I have red hair, I mean, come on! I’m a red headed Scorpio, and my purpose is to change the world by communicating to others on a mass level – I was born to be noticed! I walk into a room and don’t have to do a thing – people notice.

So, a great deal of my developmental energy when I was growing up went into learning how to read people. Learning how to tell when I was being noticed. Learning how to read body language, voice nuances, and becoming incredibly sensitive to the energetic state of others. I.e. empathic. All of my energy went toward figuring out how to not be noticed, where all of my energy that I was born with was all about Being Noticed.

Once I figured out how to not be noticed, dimming my natural light so as to make sure everyone else around me was comfortable and unchallenged became a full time job. I became, in a word, neurotic.

I still am, in a word, neurotic. o.O

And yet I am also now moving out into the world, understanding my purpose as someone who is meant to be seen. Someone who is meant to be heard. Someone who has something to do and be and say that is and will be of great benefit to people in pain and suffering.

The stress of these energies, so in opposition to each other and both active at the same exact time, is mind boggling.

And, as a part of this dynamic I have set up? I have no time or ability to open up to being loved. I have NO clue how to let people love me – I’m way too busy making sure they’re comfortable to have the time to relax into the presence of their love. I know it’s there on some level… And I certainly know myself to be lovable and worthy and all that. I’m just so wrapped up in insuring everyone else is doing well and not being blown over by my energy (sounds a little like the RA resonance, doesn’t it? Hmmm…), by Me, that I don’t know how to just Be Me.

I’m only in a space where I will let love in when I totally break down to a point where I am unable to maintain my own self-dimming vigilance, and that happens only incredibly rarely. When I have energy at all, it’s being used to make sure the people around me are happy and comfortable in my presence. There’s only one person who’s actually seen the real me and was able to just stand there and send love, and that was Steve – the same Reiki Massage therapist person who’s all over this blog. (ironically, my father’s name was Steve o.O) For whatever reason he wasn’t scared, on every level that he is that I am able to perceive. For that I am eternally grateful.

Until that happened, I didn’t know it was even a possibility. I thought I would have to forever be…not myself…in order to not scare/harm/discomfort others. With that experience, I suddenly realized that maybe there’s hope. Someone, a real person, actually saw all of me and didn’t recoil like those who did before I learned how to dim myself.

In addition, I realized… I have no clue how to just Be… How to just Be Myself… No time, room or energy left for Just Being Dawn. The majority of my energy is wrapped up in that dimming program, that hyper-vigilance that I learned as a child and became very good at for so many different reasons… The rest of my energy is wrapped up in fighting that programming… Wrapped up in attempting to be the person I was born to be… Which is, oh irony, Someone Who Is Noticed And Makes People Mildly Uncomfortable Because I Challenge Them To Reach Beyond Themselves.

Gack! No wonder I’m so tired…

Well…at least I have something new to consider and ask for the Universe’s help on.