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There were many great comments made to the post I wrote back on June 10th, The Purpose of Moving Upstream – Abraham-Hicks and Enjoying Contrast 
I decided to make them an entry of their own, with my comments to each person placed between theirs. I did this because as I was responding, I realized that a Tapping of sorts was taking place. And you know how much I love being tapped and playing. 
So, here you have it!
‘ello!
I was out of town big time, twice! Once to go to a Qigong workshop, and then again to go up to PA to visit with my husband’s family. Much shifting took place during all of this, and I tend not to look back over my shoulder during monumental shift times – so I wasn’t in a space to respond to comments! I am now, en mass.
Ryan
I agree that contrast is valuable — it’s the whole “no light without the darkness” philosophy which is discussed extensively in other materials such as Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations With God books.
While you did not provide any specific examples of contrasts in your life, I think I can relate an experience of my own to what you have written.
Over the last year of my life I have become increasingly poor, and I am having to live with fewer and fewer material comforts. While I have never been rich, I have never really had to go without so many material things like I have more recently. On the upside – while my material life has declined, my spiritual life has increased in opposite proportion.
I cannot say that I would actively choose poverty for such a length of time, but the clarity I have gained has been enormous, and I appreciate even the smallest things so much more than I used. This gain in my spiritual life probably would have been much harder to achieve if my material life had not moved out of the way. Eventually the material abundance will return, and when it does it will be better than it ever was before.
Ryan: How neat! And how awesome that you’re aware of the benefits! 
Experiences like that definitely have a way of clarifying what it is you Want, what it is you Don’t Want, and what it is you actually, really need. Clears away a lot of the attachments, a lot of the things we drain our life’s energy into, that in the end don’t actually matter anywhere near as much as we believe they do.
After my dad and mom died, I looked around at all my possessions and wondered what in the world I had been doing with my life, up until that point. These things I thought had mattered so much, I realized were things I manufactured to care about, to take the place of that which I was afraid to pursue – my life’s purpose. I made up little purposes, and spent my time pursuing them…
When the rug was pulled out from under me it was a real wake up call. In the end, I left it all behind. Gave away everything but stuff like my bed and computer, things I use… and moved to Virginia to stay with a friend for a year. It was incredibly liberating, and by that point – I didn’t care about the stuff anymore.
I lived in that room with no $, no possessions…no car, even. Just me and a library card. I’ve moved on now, married, living in a house. I have a car. I am well taken care of. Money comes in…and goes out… That I don’t stockpile my money is actually an issue of discontent between my husband and I.
I just…don’t see the need. When I truly desire something, money appears – and flows, and the thing or experience or whatever becomes mine… And I change and grow, integrate and expand, re-stabilize, and move onward.
This feels good to me, the inhale and exhale… Holding my breath doesn’t make sense to me…but my husband counsels that something may happen, or I may really want something that’s mondo expensive, or whatever… But still, I’ve found that whatever it is I truly desire in my heart of hearts comes to me, no matter the cost, in flow.
To stockpile against a coming storm that isn’t even on the horizon just…doesn’t work for me, right now. With everything I’ve learned about Law of attraction, it doesn’t make sense… I would rather move like a part of nature, naturally asking and naturally receiving, like a tree perhaps, but one who is conscious, and actively choosing to trust.
He has gotten me to save 30% of everything I make for taxes, though. And of course, I don’t know everything.
Right up front, let me tell you I stumbled across this web site by accident. I’m just going down a list of coaches posted on yet another web site, and here I am. I will also tell you that I don’t know an Abe person from an Abraham person; although somewhere in that vast expanse of “things heard-things remembered” Abraham rings a bell. Albeit small.
I want you to know also that this is my very first time to enter a blog and make a comment. Something in what I read has stirred a something within me. I think it’s my sense of balance. I feel I’m spinning slowly out of control. Nothing dangerous, more like my apple cart has been upset. WHY? I’ve stopped long enough to breath, and go back over the original post again. A kinship… A sense of been there, done that, and yet; I still am…
As a seeker, I am a fellow traveler… on the train, a passenger… love and light is everwhere, but the figures bathed within are obscure to me. Perhaps because this is a first for me, I am thinking about my very first ever poem; I’ll cut and paste it here. I hope you or someone reads it and understands.
Black Cast Evil
Oh black cast evil and white shone good, your
Staid lines now askew. Yet yesteryear each way
Was clear, now grey is come of you.
To pitch a stone, to turn a cheek, aggressor bull
Or cower meek. To know the truth, to see the
Light; with our souls we fight this plight.
Its grey, its grey, its grey I see cast over
Sides once clear. The right, the wrong, the in-
Betweens, to choose which side I fear.
This day, tomorrow and evermore conscience
Be my guide. Let me know throughout my life
T’was the side un-picked who lied.jadacohart,
Jack Cook: Beautiful poem… Ahead of its time. A lot of people are experiencing what you are experiencing…just not too many are conscious of it. I believe that’s where the sense of kinship comes in.
Black and white is blending…reality is shifting… and we are going with it. This throws the ‘old’ way of doing things, especially thinking and perceiving, all out of whack. This is pretty scary, and anxiety naturally rises to the surface as we move through it.
On the other side is unity consciousness… Black goes into White. Light goes into Dark. And both are transformed out of duality, out of polarity – and into something beautiful and more Whole and complete than we have ever known. Unity Consciousness.
Hm. My grandmother’s maiden name was Cook. Cooks and Kulls and Oeffingers, oh my!
Christine Joy
I too am empathic and this past year, more than most, I have felt moved to dive down deep into any discomfort or triggered emotions and really explore them to the max.
I sense that what is happening is that I am moving closer to the light at the core of my Being, however blocking the light are clouds of illusion that most people would avoid because they are painful.
It is my belief that if we ‘work’ through this dark, painful ’stuff’ and move through it, we will find that, in reality it was nothing, that it was simply obscuring the light within that was there all along.
It’s like if I do it the old way; see all problems as outside myself, I’ll never find the solution because I’m looking in the wrong place.
If I do it this new way; take responsibility for my projections, feel into the pain to see what’s really there, I move ‘through’ the darkness and always end up in the light…..which I can then shine on everyone I interact with….
Christine Joy: I totally resonate with what you are saying, and this is exactly how it has occurred. Every time I go in and look the illusions in the face, they disappear. It’s the getting to the core that matters, looking it RIGHT in the face, so that you get it all at once…
Is it Japanese culture? Greek? Hrm. Well, there’s some culture or another out there that believes greatly in the strength of knowing one’s true name. That to know the true name is to have total power over the being…
In many ways, I believe this is so, but in this case, this is the active part of getting to the core of an illusion and knowing it. Knowing its name, calling it out, and watching it disappear because its only power lay in its name.
I guess this would make me one of those Spiritual Warriors people speak of… It is how I do things. I want to know the face of all of my illusions, because I created them – they’re my children, and they deserve the honor of recognition and acknowledgment before they’re released back into the light of Oneness with myself.
Which in the end, of course, is all there is.
Ginae from justginae.blogspot.com writes and asks:
1. How come when I do a reading for someone, ON OCCASION, the souls of LIVE people are manifesting around the person being read, for example, 1 time, I perfectly descrbied the persons 3 best friends…only to soon realize (bc I sorta knew the person) that these people were still alive?
Weird, huh?
Here’s my take on it. It’s not so weird when you take time, space and matter out of the equation, and you add in the concept that where focus goes, energy flows. I’ve had this happen myself, when doing tarot readings for people. Energy is energy. Souls are souls. Attachments are attachments.
When I do energy healing on someone, I go there to them, through the focus on their name, their photo, whatever! I have had experiences where I have known exactly what was going on, like the fact that a crystal had fallen off the person and right where it went, while doing work. In other words, through my intent focus, a real actual part of me is there with them. I’d be willing to bet that someone sensitive would notice me manifesting there, at that time
Over time, you’ll gain the ability to discern the state of the energy and whether it’s embodied, or free floating. Or, you’ll let go of the need to know, either way.
2. Sometimes, when I’m surfing the net, “ill THINK about going to a certain URL and when I look away and look back, my system is ON that URL (different ones aT different times)? Maybe just the power of our minds as empaths?
I have no idea. Pretty cool though! I had a friend that said she would often have the same thing happen. As for it being Super Empath Power, I would say it would be more the power of your focused awareness, than your ability to perceive. In my understanding, empathy is a gift of reception, of deeper perception, as opposed to one that actually alters the environment.
3. Once, a friend phoned me and asked who, brenda, lyle and marsha were…I understood them to be spirits, so I acted accordingly, only to later find out that she had taken too much Ambien and was hallucinating! I felt like a dope…on a silimar theme…I was listening to radio djs who were messing w/ one of the djs on the show by turning his TV (at his house) off and on before and after hes left the house for the day…*I* saw spiritual activity…come to find out…the other djs were playing a joke w/ him…..
Hmmmm… Well, with the first one there with the woman on the Ambien, I would make a guess and say that those people were so real for her that you tapped in to her belief that someone was communicating with her. On another note – maybe she did take too much Ambien, but who’s to say those weren’t really spirits communicating with her who had finally found a way in through the uptight haze?
My question would be, did she find their messages comforting and/or useful? Ghosts, in my experience, don’t tend to hang around a person unless they are there to comfort, or have something important to communicate. They have better things to do.
As to the second one – looks like they gotchya.
For myself, I don’t tend to choose to differentiate sources of messages at all. For me, it’s the message that matters, not the source – and if the message comes through in a way that feels good, I’ll share it. If the message-bearer shows themselves in a specific way, I’ll share that, knowing that it’s important for some reason.
At some point I realized that I had to let go of being right or wrong. I don’t know everything. In fact, I know just enough to know that I don’t know much! For me, in the end, the final goal is always the increased well being of the client. So, I focus on that. And so when it comes to receiving loving info that the person finds comforting and actually useful, it’s all good.
Thank you for doing me the honor of allowing me to share space and play with you!
*hugs!* and much gratitude!
- Dawn
To submit your own question, email me at timetoplay@loveisthere.com.
And give me some back story to work with! The more of yourself you put into your question, the more you’ll pull and the more you’ll tap and the more fun we’ll have. I will share your name, question, and back story (unless you request otherwise) and my response here for everyone to experience.
Seek and ye shall find is how the old adage goes – and now that the power of the Law of Attraction has been identified, that old saying gains a whole new dimension. It’s basically saying that if you look for something, you’ll find it – especially if you believe it to be there. So, applying this to auto-immune dis-eases…
What I have going on right now, physically, is without a doubt is auto-immune related. It keeps metamorphing, so doctors don’t quite know what to make of it, but across the board they all agree it’s auto-immune. It is my own immune system attacking stuff it’s theoretically not supposed to. They feel that it got confused along the way, somehow – wires crossed, and so now it attacks healthy stuff, too.
In my case, it is primarily targeting the joints, body wide, in a rheumatoid style. Flame, inflammation, swelling, lots of pain, and no permanent damage.
What if my immune system isn’t confused at all? What if it is doing exactly what I instructed it to do, and have kept habitually instructing it to do, with my choice of focus? What if my entire body is under the control of my choice of focus, including the ability to create pain and dis-ease? And what if this constant choosing became so much a part of my daily experience that I forgot that it isn’t a natural part of me, but a chosen one? What if I wasn’t even aware at the creation point of my choosing, but just held an underlying vibe for so long that it became a default choice over time?
I believe that this is what I did, and what I’ve been doing.
Like many things, this goes back to childhood. I didn’t like school. I really didn’t like getting up in the morning, and I learned early on that my mom was a sucker for the ‘I’m Sick’ card – and that it was one my dad wouldn’t veto her on. If I could prove to my mom that I was sick, I didn’t have to go to school.
Now, the thing is, I’m a pretty high integrity person. Always have been. I didn’t have these thought processes consciously. I just learned, over time, that if I demonstrated to my mom that I really felt awful, I wouldn’t have to go to school. I held my mom in high respect and the idea of faking such a thing never occurred to me. However, I became very good at looking for things that might qualify. I actively looked for them. I sought them out – and in seeking them, I found them.
I got so good at it that by the time I reached my senior year in high school I almost didn’t graduated because I had had so many absences. 42 days, over the span of the school year, if I remember right…
I also remember a day my mom was so sick (she was humming the auto-immune vibe her whole life) that my dad was the only person around when I woke up and came out to proclaim my inability to go to school because I felt bad. With no mom around to stand up for me, I was packed up and sent off to school. I saw this as a horrible injustice, and was sure I would get worse and come down with some life-threatening dis-ease because of his lack of foresight.
I remember very clearly the thoughts I experienced as I was going to the bus at the end of the very, very long day. It was an awful day, but it had carried me forward, one class after the next, one task after the next. I saw friends at lunch, and had and even forgotten about the whole thing at one point in class because we were having fun. I had the thought, “He was right. I’m fine.” This was quickly followed by, “This must just be a fluke. Yes, I made it through, but at what price? I may have pneumonia or something even worse, by tomorrow!”
I have known all along that I was doing this to myself – the pain, the discomfort, the dysfunction… I just didn’t know why, or how. It’s so easy to focus outward on various elements – things, basically, that have done this to me and are perpetuating the experience of dis-ease. I got here, I don’t want to be here – it hurts! – so why can’t I get out?
I can’t get out because I have become a habitual focuser. For all I know, I’ve been this way my whole life. I learn quickly, and I’m an adaptive and dynamic applier of those things I learn. I learned that if I am faced with something I don’t want to do – anything – I can focus in on the physical reasons of why I can’t, and I will find them. I will find them because I’m looking for them with the expectation of them being there.
And this now brings us to the present. I just spent the last four days at a Qigong workshop. A Qigong intensive would be another way of putting it. 9am – 6pm, for four days. Qigong is a lot like Tai Chi – it’s a series of movements called forms designed to help one gather and store life force from the surrounding environment.
Now, I have it pretty good. I work when something interesting comes along to do. I sleep until 10am every day. All my needs are cared for. I am in the ‘perfect’ situation as far as my not having to do anything I don’t want to do goes, and I challenge myself very rarely. However, I experience a lot of pain fairly regularly – soul depleting levels of pain. Pain that deepens the moment it is challenged in any way.
I have created a self-correcting system that responds to the merest notion, at this point in my life, of my wondering if there’s a chance that I may not be able to do something. I created this, over time, through thousands upon thousands of little choices of where to focus. This rears its head massively when I’m faced with Having to do something. Anything. Anything. If I HAVE to do it, I don’t want to, and can immediately find (create) a myriad of reasons why I can’t.
This all came to a major head after my dad, and then my mom, died. My focus turned, then, to ‘this is why I can’t live without them.’ I would have ‘this is why I can’t'ed myself right on into death if something didn’t intervene, and was well on my way to doing so when I was awakened spiritually, and shaken out of my groove. That is a story for another time. Anyway! Qigong.
This Qigong intensive…it was different. It was incredibly challenging, physically, on just about all levels… but I didn’t Have to do it. I Wanted to do it. I knew I could do it, even if only on a minimal level. And so I did. Pain and dysfunction cropped up all over the place, as it was bound to – I’ve gotten myself into a very real place of dysfunction, over time.
However, I was there with Steve, and surrounded with over 300 people who were loving what they were doing. I wanted to love it too, to experience what they were so obviously experiencing. Over 300 people, almost all of them caregivers of some capacity – massage therapists, Reiki practitioners, nurses. And there were actual Qigong instructors all over the place! There had to have been at least a dozen of them, positioned throughout the room. I felt very safe in case anything were to go wrong. And of course, it is very difficult to focus on dis-ease when you are simultaneously focusing on life force and learning how to move it through you more and more powerfully.
My attention became focused on, ‘how can I do this?’ Over and over and over, I would see something I wanted, and then be faced with figuring out how I was going to do it. I had a chair handy much of the time, to sit down when I had to, and then got up again as soon as I was able because I wanted to learn. Steve helped me get down on the ground when it was required – and then back up again – and was there with anti-inflammatory supplements and good energy food and all kinds of things to help me along. And of course he massaged out multiple knots that developed.
And I did it. *beam* I left the workshop feeing better than I did going in… In fact, both Steve and I signed up to go to the teacher’s certification training in July!
When I woke up this morning, I was hurting. I felt my consciousness divide and go down two tracks simultaneously. The first track was the one that I’ve been running on these last four days. The, ‘how can I do this?’ track. The division arose when the question came up of what exactly it was that I wanted to do today, and I realized there wasn’t any immediate focus of desire. And then the pain rose up, and the second track began humming. The second track was the one I’ve been running on for years now. The, ‘why I can’t do this’ track.
I felt an immediate dampening of my energy – and it didn’t feel good! I didn’t like the sudden depletion feeling that the ‘why I can’t do this’ track had… I had gotten used to the good, personal power feelings that arise when you ask yourself ‘how can I?’ I had a flash of frustration and got up out of bed because that was the nearest thing to hand that I knew I wanted to do. And then I began to stretch a bit, because I wanted to do it without pain.
And then the thought rose up, ‘You were gonna go look around at jobs that are open today because you want some extra money for a better level of eating and stuff, and you want to build up your stamina!’ and then the other, more worn in but less prominent at the moment groove rebutted and said, ‘Look at you, you can’t get a job. Imagine yourself waking up like this (at this point I felt a cacophony of pain flare all over my body and actually, I swear, tripped over something) and actually going to work? Please.’
I felt a massive dampening of my spirit at that. A major joy/energy loss, and then a flare of anger and irritation. A big one this time, as a force rose up in me and said, “I can do ANYTHING I want to do. And you can’t stop me.’
That was the point at which I became aware for the first time that there were two voices going on, and decided to explore them. It was then that I realized that somewhere along the way I had gained the habit of looking for ‘this is why I can’t.’
It’s not a matter of why I can’t because otherwise I have to. It’s a matter of I won’t because I don’t want to, or I will because I want to.
I decided that for right now, I want to pass the Qigong teacher certification test. It’s going to take a lot of practice, a lot of work, and I want it. It’s in a month, and it just happens to take right around that amount of time to form a new habit. So that is what I am going to do.
I am going to replace the auto-immune dysfunctional habit of looking for ‘this is why I can’t’ with the auto-immune functional habit of knowing that ‘this is why I can.’
I finally figured out where my philosophy and Abraham-Hicks meet, on this subject. I think. Their primary philosophy is to focus on that which is desired and then draw it to you through releasing resistance. They feel that choosing pain and purposefully rolling around in contrast can be defined as a love for drama. They feel that the deeper the contrast, the deeper and clearer the law of attraction will operate because a desire for something different will be made very, very clear.
This, I believe, is where going upstream has a purpose. When it is consciously directed under ‘controlled’ conditions, it will act as a slingshot.
My Abe friends look at me like I’m nuts when I say contrast is good and that I roll around in it willingly and even relish it to some degree… It’s totally true, though. When I find something, dysfunctional within myself, I will see how far down the rabbit hole it goes – because, I want to know. I want to get up close and personal with all the roots. I want to truly understand the dysfunction, its creation, and embrace it as it unwinds into function.
This is painful…it’s also a way to slingshot yourself through the process of becoming all that you have always been meant to be. It’s a way to cast a VERY bright light, by purposefully choosing to go into the VERY dark, with eyes wide open.
Discovering a dysfunction within myself, something that runs core deep and underlies much of my auto-pilot behavior, is very exciting for me. I actually enjoy the suffering involved in ferreting out all the dysfunction, not because I enjoy suffering, but because I enjoy just imagining the vision of me on the other side, and getting clearer on what that looks like.
I’ll be the first to admit that I feel a twinge of doubt about my choice of ways to go about becoming who I really am, limitation free, whenever I speak up at an Abe-Hicks gathering and have everyone stare at me. When I speak about choosing to roll right around in the contrast of Self when I find it, people tend to at best argue with me, and at worst to tune me out as ‘just not getting it’.
And yet I’m also one of the people that they turn to for answers. They know I’ve figured something out, they just don’t know what, or how. They’ve watched me change, watched me grow in huge leaps and bounds… And they also insist that there’s an easier more comfortable way than going down into the depths and facing limitation head on – they just don’t know what that is.
This certainly isn’t the path for everyone. I definitely feel driven, not only to rise to who I really am, but also to understand the path I’m taking there. I am using my understanding to help others, to teach. Those deep revelations and understandings that I’m coming to through trekking into the heart of my own darkness and facing my demons can be had easily and comfortably, I do believe this…but people need a guide.
Hm. ‘People need a guide’? That’s actually the first time I’ve ever voiced something like that. I know I’m not interested in being a guru, or having people dependent on me. Quite the opposite!
Perhaps I’m trainblazing into the group unconscious, setting up cleaner trail for others to follow into their own hearts? Maybe I’m doing all the work ahead of time, for future generations? Or maybe I am being honed by other’s future law of attraction requests, to be there with the knowledge at the right time – knowledge gained from choosing to consciously suffer so that I may have total awareness of the process. Or maybe I am an example, showing others what’s possible…
I have no idea. What it all really comes down to is that, in the end, I’m driven to do things the way I’m doing them, for whatever reason… This post is about me coming to a comfortable, empowered sense of peace with that – and trying to figure out the reason, of course. I definitely desire concise answer for Abe people when they stare at me…one that helps them see me in a positive light, instead of tuning me out as ‘that person that just doesn’t get it.’
Perhaps I’m just way ahead of the curve… Abraham is always commenting, asking their audiences if they are enjoying the contrast. It’s always taken as a joke, with shaky uncomfortable (and disbelieving) laughter from the general audience. They accept just about everything Abraham says as Truth, and yet on this subject… I get the feeling that they choose not to really hear it. ‘Are you enjoying the contrast?’ They’ve said it over and over – and it makes people very uncomfortable.
Well…we’re really getting down to it, now. Time is moving faster and faster, and I feel as if I am being readied for something. Just like in the world in general, the divide between who I am, and who I really am, is getting more and more stark, and dysfunction more clear and more obvious. Understandings are coming faster and faster, as well – hard hitting, no nonsense, right to the heart of the issue revelations on all topics regarding self-limitation, and my being anything less than total empowered Me.
The most recent understanding revolves around the topic of shame. It came from my looking at myself and my situation recently and saying to myself, “Man, you’ve really got it good!” My reaction was total shame and apology for it, along with a strong denunciation of that as true. I was suddenly divided, part of me refusing to look up at all, and the other part of me going, uhhh, what’s this?? And how long has it been operating?!
Upon doing some digging, voices rose to the surface…my mom, and my dad, and myself.
Mom: When I was age 7 and my dad was going to be living with us again. He had been off with some other woman and sending money to keep my mom and I going. My mom was okay with this, and I didn’t know there was anything else… But, his most recent girl had kicked him out and he had to come ‘home’.
She sat me down, very serious – more serious than ever before – and she told me that I had a job to do. It was my only job, and it was important that I do it well. I had to be as quiet as possible, as inexpensive as possible, and no matter what, maintain status quo. She said she knew I could do it, and that she was counting on me. I promised I would.
I did my job very well. I’m a fast and dedicated learner, and I do believe that this is where all of my empathic skills first began to be developed – to read my dad so I could do my job. And yet, my dad’s voice… no matter what I did, no matter how low profile I was, his voice rises…
Dad: “The fun ended when you were born.”
“You ask for too much.”
“No, I won’t teach you to drive, you’ll hurt someone and it’ll be expensive.”
He treated me as a rival for my mother’s affections. If I was too happy about something, he would get jealous and do something to make me pay for my happiness. If I was too overjoyed at having something, he would take it away, saying that if I was that happy I obviously didn’t need it in the first place. He would glower, and…make me pay in little ways – which was doubly horrible because I wasn’t maintaining status quo, which was my one and only job, and I had promised…
My own voice, here and now today where I am 31 and my parents have been gone for several years, sat divided. One half echoed all of these things:
Shameful Me: “Don’t enjoy too much or you’ll be noticed.” .. “You haven’t earned any of this. What makes you think you deserve it?” .. “Just keep your head down and be quiet and don’t cost much and you’ll be safe and successfully doing your job.” .. “If you owned up to how much you owe everyone, you would cease to exist – so don’t think about, and definitely don’t enjoy it.” .. “You were born owing, you’ll never be, do or have enough to pay for your right to exist.”
The other half echoed all of these things:
Empowered Me: “You were born in joy, as joy, to bring joy and to be joy. Stop holding yourself back.” .. “You deserve all the universe has to offer because you are the universe, also, and so you are only holding yourself apart from yourself.” .. “Raise your head and be the strong and free and joyful and powerful person you already are.” .. “What has come before prepared you for Now – you chose it so that you could come here and learn what you needed to learn to help be a wayshower. You have learned. The first part of the contract has been completed – now it’s time to let go.” .. “You are going to give back (and have already begun to) so much to humanity that that you even said anything about owing anyone anything is silly.” .. “You have a right to exist because you do exist – you were drawn here on such a huge request, just like everyone else, to fulfill being that which you are – because there is only one you, and you are important.”
It feels as if my body hasn’t caught up to the new, higher message yet. There is all this old stuff that I’ve been operating under, running my life on, running my creative energy through, by default. I am grateful that I had the experience, and frustrated at the same time. I see all of these things – or half of me does – as twisted energy. But they’re so interwoven with the me that I am right now that I’m not even sure what behaviors and thoughts I have are based on them.
I can look back on my life and see the dark line of energy that represents Shame weaving in and out all over the place – ever present, any time I was enjoying myself or experienced abundance, my entire life since the day my father came home and I was given my first, and always highest priority, job. I shudder to think just what this has been creating for me all this time…and I rejoice to know that at least now I am aware of it, and what it will mean when I release it.
My father is gone…and so’s my mom. I have been running this Shame program in response to people around me, especially my husband. I have created all around me a whole world that mimics, to some degree, the situation I was in when living at home, with one major difference: My husband isn’t my father, and the only one holding me to my job contract is me – and fear of what life is like outside its’ box.
I don’t know who I am, without it…or what my life would be like. This is scary, and exciting. I don’t know how to be someone else… And I don’t know how to let this go, I feel riddled with it… I think it’s even in my speech patterns. o.O
I guess I will just take it one step at a time… The first step was awareness… The second, where I am now, is understanding… The third, acceptance… The fourth, the conscious choice to change… The fifth, moving into, through and with that change… The sixth, embodiment of the new space.
By the way, for friends and loved ones who are reading this – I’m fine! I am faithfully documenting the hard times, basically because I know one day they’ll be so far behind that people won’t believe I ever had them. And above all, I want to remain human, and accessible. I want to be able to relate…totally open, honest, and unafraid. Perhaps as an example? And maybe my sharing my own experiences on a common human limitation theme will speak to other’s hearts, enabling them to build on what I have already experienced, helping them to come to know and remember for themselves.
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