You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2007.
I thought I would have enough energy each night I checked in to a hotel along the road to keep up with a travel log of sorts – who knew sitting could be so tiring! 
So many neat things have happened along the way so far, I definitely intend to write about them. In order to make sure I don’t forget anything, and to say hello to you from the road, I decided to create titles for each of the noteworthy experiences I’ve had so far. 
I’ll then go back and write about each one in turn. 
Happy hugs and greetings from somewhere in…where am I? Oh yeah – Oklahoma!
Accidental, Synchronistic Acupuncture
Intentional Intentions
‘That’s what change is supposed to be like…’
Failing Forward at the Perkins
Close Encounters of the Ghostie Kind in Marshall, Indiana – no, wait – Marshall, Illinois
‘See you on the grid!’
Saint Louis – Migun Bed Meetings and Laser Light Acupuncture
Deep Change in Independence, Kansas – Cranial Sacral, ‘When you’re tapped vs. when you’re not,’ and Choices: Life and Death
N.E.T. – Fast, Deeply Effective Release
I very much enjoyed the commentary for the original post, and got a lot out of it So much so, that I decided that posting it as an entry of its own was in order.
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October 22nd, 2007 at 2:04 am
Comment By: Ellann
How fascinating.
There is so, so much ego going on in the spiritual industry that it only takes a matter of time before it manifests itself.
This is not the first time I have read or been told of those who would be so highly evolved or enlightened end up behaving like “spoilt power hungry brats”.
We are having a human experience.
there are many, many who operate from ego, and many who just take themselves way too seriously.
Would you consider that the above is ego based as well!
Or could you have gone quietly without exposing this other woman?
How do you feel about it after you have posted and then gone to bed and had some sleep and then come back to it..
does it taste good
does any of it really matter?
It is interesting that I found myself here today, and even more interesting that I choose to make a comment!
all things happen for a reason.
As we all are
Here in love and light
Ellann
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:47 am
Comment By: Dawn of “Love is there…”
Ellann,
‘ello! Fair question you asked! – ‘Would you consider that the above is ego based as well!’ Here’s my answer D
Yeah, I’m sure the post had some ego-based stuff in it – I am human, too. ) …and yeah, it didn’t taste as good the day after, but only in that I actually referred to the foundation itself. Upon waking, I took that off and added a post script even before I read your comment. In order for people to understand what happened, and gain benefit from the story in their own space, there’s no need for the specific foundation itself to be referred to.
I’m not at all out to expose anyone… I hadn’t ever planned to write the story at all, but somehow, for some reason, I suddenly felt prompted to, even after I had let the whole thing drop. And in that, I’m glad I wrote it. )
It’s a big part of my healing journey…and this blog is the account of that. Previous entries are made about how wonderful everything was, and then of my resignation, but there was a big gap. To leave the story out for fear of being petty and crippling my own healing process (which is why I hadn’t told it until now – healing has nothing to do with pointing fingers), and all the quantum leaps that came with it, would be to leave a big hole.
And, in that, if only in that – the account of the healing and learning that took place and what prompted me to take up my own power and my own voice, and any healing and empowerment that may come to others through reading the words – this story being told matters. )
I am glad you visited! And thank you for the chance for me to clarify my motivations, and put them out there. )
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:56 am
Comment By: Keith
First, sometimes I believe a story needs to be told to get it out of you so you can move on. If you tell a story to hurt others or to enjoy the victim feeling it gives you then it’s bad. But, if you tell it to let it go, so you can move on, then it is healing.
My second point refers back to part of Ellann’s comment, where Ellann mentions having read or heard stories of people who are enlightened not behaving as we would expect. I truly believe that most people who try to create something spiritual based, like the foundation that Dawn was briefly associated with do it with all good intentions. However, many of these people do not have the skills to bring something like a foundation to life and keep it running. The story above reads as someone who had an idea and was beginning to realize they needed help, but in the end wasn’t ready to hand their idea over to someone else and also didn’t know how to delegate.
Just because something is spiritual based and the person or people behind it have an excellent vision and true conviction, doesn’t mean that we should become a part of it without verifying that they are people we can work with and they have the skills to move forward with their vision. I believe there are many who have gotten hurt in spiritual activities because, they didn’t perform a sanity check like they would if they were about to join or do business with someone outside of the spiritual community.
There are times when people in the spiritual community should turn or at least learn from the lessons of the business world. The things needed to get a foundation off the ground are the things that the business world excels at. Many businesses have gone through the hard lesson that the person who has the vision that starts them is not the best person to run or grow the business. A good vision is a necessary thing for any spiritual or non-spiritual endeavor to succeed, however the vision is only one component to success and there are many mundane tasks such as motivating and organizing people, financing and even marketing that needs to be in place for these things to succeed.
/** Post-Published Addition: The COS are good people on a great mission, and the following is just my own experience with one person at the foundation. It’s not my intention to slander or something, and I realized, after posting this, that I don’t need to put the foundation’s name all over this post. This story is just mine, told here because it has been a major part of my healing journey, into coming into my own power and voice – and that’s what this blog is about, a record of my own healing experiences and new understandings **/
I am sure the title of this post should have a ‘my version!’ disclaimer thrown into the title, but given the nature of the post, I think that’ll soon be obvious enough, anyway.
I haven’t told this story before, because I didn’t know it. The derailment was so fast and so much like running head on into a brick wall that it’s taken me this long to figure out what happened, myself! The resignation occurred, as most resignations tend to do, over a difference of opinion with the current head of the foundation..but it was an odd one, and I didn’t understand – until now – just how deeply it ran, or why I was doing what I was doing. Here’s the story.
My resignation from the Foundation (COS), centers around the a project I was on (PGP), and my trip to Sedona on September 6th, 2007. In brief, the PGP is based on the concept of a meditation of worldwide scope, each New and Full moon, upon the Earth’s planetary grid, for the purpose of supporting humanity through the awakening process.
A few days before leaving for Sedona, I was given the task of officially launching myself and the PGP, one of (if not The) main projects to be taken on by the foundation for the remainder of 2007 through 2008. This had been given to me as one of my main focuses (foci? Hehe), as I stepped into the founder’s place as one of the primary driving forces behind the foundation’s activity.
The official launch, where I stepped in for the first time as a voice for the PGP, consisted of an email that was sent out to all members. I designed the layout and wrote the announcement fully under the supervision of the COS head on all things – how it was to look, what was to go in it, what was important and what wasn’t, etc. I had at first put in an intro about myself, but was told to take this out even though I had been told that this was to be my introductory email, since COS mailings were to remain impeccably impersonal in unified voice. This was odd, but I could understand where the founder was coming from, and figured she must know better than I did – after all, she was the head of the foundation! I learned, and I set my heading for the future to base all communications upon this first communication.
I was under the impression that in this first, most pivotal expression for the project, that we had gotten to the root of how long the announcement should be, what it should contain, etc., because the founder was going to be leaving the country and leaving me to fend for the project before the next announcement was to come out, and it made sense to me that if I was going to be taught what had to be done, it was going to be before that time, in the span of the first announcement (it was to be a bi-monthly thing). I was wrong.
A few days later my husband and I packed and headed out to Sedona, and the home base of the COS foundation, for the first time. The head of the foundation had unexpectedly decided to go to Florida to hold a conference for a few women, and then on to California to visit with potential investors. Upon arriving in Sedona, we soon discovered that she had decided to then visit with family somewhere else, and would not be returning to Sedona in time to meet with me. This felt very odd – handing over your foundation, your life’s work, to someone you just happened to miss meeting because of sudden commitments.
Regardless, I continued on, because as shaky as it was, because it still felt right. And then came the night that the foundation head requested a reminder notice to be sent out to the PGP and COS mailing lists, two days before the New Moon. This was no big deal to me – made sense, why not? A quick, short reminder. It had been a week since the first announcement, people could use a reminder that this was about to take place. Little did I know what a huge impact that little reminder was about to to have…
I sat down to write it, and immediately I felt…swept up? There in Sedona, it felt as if the land itself had plugged a mainline right into my heart, and the planetary grid had tapped in to my throat, and away my fingers went. It felt as if it was …singing, through me. And it was glorious – one of the most powerful experiences I’ve ever had. It was so sweet and so pure, I did my best to translate it through – and it flew! I knew that the foundation head would feel the same way, how could someone not? This glorious music, the singing of the spheres, all of all that is coming to a sweetly poignant pivotal moment of expression… It bears repeating: This was one of the most powerful experiences I’ve ever had.
This letter, this channel, whatever you call it – it never went out.
When I sent it for proofing – almost as an afterthought, how could a little reminder like this be at all improved? – the founder didn’t like it. She wanted me to include many new things that weren’t mentioned in the original announcement. This in itself made no sense to me whatsoever – a reminder notice isn’t intended, as a rule, to have new information. That’s why it’s called a reminder, it furthers the original intent that was laid down with the first announcement, whatever that was, just as, well, a reminder. It doesn’t add in whole new concepts at the last minute. However, the founder didn’t agree with me on this idea.
She said that I was to include several new concepts, ideas and thoughts that were wonderful in and of themselves but had nothing to do with the original announcement or the newly written reminder notice. She said that it was vitally important that I include these. I responded from the space I had entered upon sending out that first announcement – I am the new head of this project. I also responded, a little jarred but still resonating to the sensation of the planet and the grid singing through me; she must have obviously not understood what had happened.
She had made the head of the project, the universe had responded and was tapping me as the source for the flow of the project from that point forward. It was very clear to me, and I explained. I said that the things she had mentioned, the new concepts, were vitally important and would come through in future announcements to be sure, but that this was a reminder alone, and that the intention behind it was to be short and sweet. Flying high on the total assurance of the memory of the heady sensation of the universe using me as a tuning fork, I wrote the words, “I do not intend to change this. It’s perfect.”
The founder called me right away. She was whining – and this alone took me by total surprise! It was the last thing I expected! She was saying things such as, “You’re not respecting me, Dawn. I am still here, I am the founder of this foundation and this project. I’m just asking you to make a few little changes and I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn.”
This was the voice of my mother – it perfectly zeroed in and touched each and every weak point in the my personality. The idea of my not respecting someone – anyone at all, and especially someone I admire, hold highly, and is in a position of authority – is horrible. Everyone is to be respected, that’s a primary part of who I am. The ‘I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn’ is a direct quote of my mom – not that she knew my mom. It was the ‘I know better than you, if you’ll stop being so dense you’ll figure that out’ voice.
And yet… something amazing happened. Another new experience for me, and actually one that was just as incredible as the writing of the reminder. As I answered the phone, knowing it was her, something happened to me…a wave of calm like I have never felt before swept through my whole being. I was compassion. I was understanding. I was reverence. I was adamant. I am, as a rule, an emotional person, and prone just like anyone – if not more so! – to my buttons being pushed. For that space of time, I was not… It didn’t feel fake, it felt like – total reassurance and peace and a knowing that all is well that came from somewhere much deeper and higher than my usual self.
Part of me was watching the whole time, marveling, freaking out, wonder what was going on.
When I didn’t respond to her original statements – which she kept coming back to and saying over and over as if it was the only thing that made sense and I obviously just wasn’t getting it, she changed tactics and began strong arming me with, “I am sticking around until I know that this foundation is in good hands and in alignment. And right now, You are my greatest worry, here. I am starting doubt whether you’re really the right person to step into my shoes.”
I heard myself respond, “I am starting to wonder that as well. Maybe I’m not.”
That watching part of me freaked out a bit more at this point, but my outward manor remained unruffled – which really threw her for a loop. Apparently I should have caved by this point, and that watching freaking out part of me was all about caving! Guilt. Pressure. Threats. I give, I give, just stop hurting me! And man did it hurt, I felt like I was being picked up and thrown around, thrown down the stairs then back up the stairs, against some walls, out the window, hey – anything goes! You got some emotional weak points? Yeah, I know them all, and I have a knife pry-bar dental drill here – lemme get down in there and see if you break.
But that calm voice that was mine but not mine, that total assurance, maintained its position in the driver’s seat. The rest of me was apparently just along for the ride.
When I didn’t respond to the strong arming, she returned to the whining – and I’m not being scarcastic, I’m being literal, when I say whining. The high pitched tone in the voice, you know? Whining… I hadn’t even imagined a voice like that could come out of this woman – but then, I hadn’t imagined the voice that was coming out of me could come out of me, either…! She returned to the original statements she had been making, as if the strong arming hadn’t even happened and as if after a little pry-barring maybe I had been loosened up enough to hear reason. And after a while of that not working, she went back to the strong arming.
I remained the same the whole way through the conversation – calm, compassionate (even though a part of me had long decided that this woman was NOT worthy of compassion while she was applying the drill), understanding and adamant.
Eventually the conversation wended its way around to my putting in my resignation. All of a sudden her voice changed to more of a, ‘now wait a second’ tone of the realization of what had just actually been created by all the emotional one-sided jousting she had been doing. I remained, yes, you guessed it – calm, compassionate, understanding and adamant. She, however, remained just as adamant in her own way, and insisted that I give it a day to think it over. Both parts of me were united at this point with the understanding that my time with COS was over. Calm Voice, the one in command, was of the opinion that All is Well No Matter What Happens and Freaked Out Voice was, ‘Get me the hell away from this person, NOW!’
I heard myself agreeing to the giving it a night to sleep on it idea. I have no idea why – I just did. Or, that is, Calm Voice Dawn did… something about her calming down and seeing clearly? About being fair and giving her the time she needed to finish her creation? I don’t know for sure. All I do know is that the calm reassurance left me as soon as I hung up the phone. I was incredibly shaken up – had I really just resigned? Had I really just been pummeled ? What just happened? I love the project! Am I off the project? The music – she must just not understand! But the pain, the horrible inhuman tactics and low blows she had taken. I had never been treated like that, by anyone, in my entire life, let alone by the person in charge of a foundation created around the concept of support and awakening to unity.
That evening I realized – I didn’t want to sleep with that hanging over me. I had majorly made up my mind before I even got off the phone. Irregardless of anything else, the Dawn that is Dawn most of the time, the one that would be working on the projects and everything else, could not create under those conditions.
I emailed her instead of calling – I was exhausted, confused, and namely, I was terrified of her! After writing the email, I cried for a while, focusing on all that I believed I had lost. And then she called me, right when I was at the lowest point, and I knew I had to answer even as I was crying. It was ugly, with a continuation of the strong arming, but this time with a new tactic: I had been tested, and now I was about to fail to fulfill my soul’s calling, my purpose, my destiny. No whining now, apparently she felt she had the upper hand. It was my turn to continually repeat myself – the calm reassurance had abandoned me and I was left to face her alone, just me. I kept saying, “This doesn’t feel good. This just doesn’t feel good.”
Eventually, I hung up on her to the sound of her laughing at me and my inability to see my destiny right in front of my face. She didn’t call back. The next morning, I sent out the announcement that had sung through my fingers to just the members of the COS who were physically in Sedona, and the morning after that we went out to Airport Vortex and did the new moon meditation that had been originally intended through the PGP. And then I performed the full moon meditation, here in Reston, with Pat who was there in person for the first meditation. And then the new moon meditation, here in Reston, again with Pat and this time the addition of Steve.
Without fail, a few days before each full and new moon, I receive an understanding that I am to focus on something in particular, to be held along with the common theme of the support of the awakening of humanity. And so, I may have officially left the project – but the project hasn’t left me. Where it goes from here, as an expression through me, I can only guess. I’ll just keep expressing that which the universe requests to express through me…and writing this post is one of those.
It’s taken me this long just to figure out what really happened! And get over the trauma. And to sort through all those weak points that were so accurately pummeled, dismantle them and re-structure them on more solid ground.
This pre-dawn morning I woke up with the clarity that comes a few days before each full and new moon of what the focus of the meditation for this time around is to be (It’s the support of the physical earth itself, actually – not what I thought it was going to be!). followed quickly with the understanding that I needed to be up front and tell my story, right then. So, I got up while it was still dark, stumbled to my computer, and have now written it – this is how it happened, for me.
And now I get to go back to sleep! *huge yawn* Zzzz
I was driving out to Leesburg the other day, a thirty minute drive out to see one of my wonderful soul partners, Steve, and my attention was drawn to a song I had playing. You know, that crystal clear ‘pay attention’ sudden honing of your senses you get when your Inner Being/Guides want you to really notice something? I’ve learned to pay attention, and realize that when they happen, these experiences are always important guideposts that’ll point me closer to my own joy, peace, happiness etc., if I pay full attention and remain open to what they may be offering. It’s usually either a different way of looking at things, or a ‘good job!’ that I receive. (It’s amazing how powerful getting a ‘Good Job!’ from yourself can be!) This time, it was both.
The song is called ‘Intention’ and it’s by a group called Devotion that I’ve spoken of on this blog, before. I really like their CD Intention. You can click on the link below for the full song’s lyrics – here’s the specific part my Guidance was urging me to pay attention to:
Intention
(Robert D. Anderson)
Totally Intact Tunes, ASCAPWell, the problem is not what you haven’t got – You’ve got everything you need
And the truth can be found springing from the ground
There’s a mighty tree from just a little seed
No, what we want here is to get very clear – And put our heart’s desire first
‘Til we make up our mind, we’re sure to find
The questioning voice of the universe – Asking:Chorus
What, what, what is your intention – What do you want to do?
What, what, what is your intention – What can I do for you?
What, what, what is your intention – What do you want to be?
And what, just tell me what will make you free?
And as I listened, I realized that I had chosen and then experienced all the previous intentions I had had…and that it was time to once again focus and choose – What is my intention?
I’ve come to a very pivotal point, a crux point that has yet to tip over into rapid manifestation. Kinda like when a roller coaster is clicking its way up a hill and it’s almost at the top? That’s what all this feels like – exciting, exhilarating, with a touch of terrifying thrown in there to keep things interesting. The track is laid before me, but I can only see to the first turn:
- On Sunday (tomorrow) I am going to see Sai Ma for an intensive titled Tools and Techniques to Understand and Practice the Highest Form of Healing. Sai Maa is my Metapoints (another subject I’ve mentioned several times in this blog) teacher’s teacher.
- Monday is my husband’s and my two year anniversary
- Tuesday I set out to Sedona, Arizona (I live in Reston, VA, near D.C. at the moment) stopping half way to visit with my Shambhala MD Healing Master Teacher Pat Alexander in Independence, KS.
And that’s what I’m sure of – and about all I’m sure of! I know I am to go to Sedona, and stay there for a while. I have no idea for how long, or even why except that, at the moment, it revolves around healing – the healing of Self and the healing of Humanity as a whole (whatever that means o.O). For starters, I am heading out on Tuesday to stay there for the rest of this year, to get a lay of the land and open to, well…whatever it is I am to open to. Meanwhile, we’re getting ready to move out there, because this also feels right.
To prepare for this, both my husband and I have been dismantling our past – we’re getting rid of pretty much everything. If it isn’t highly meaningful or serving a current purpose, it’s getting tossed, sold, or given to Goodwill. We’ve been preparing to have the house remodeled in order to sell it – painters, builders, roofers, realtors, they’ll all be swarming the place starting the day after I leave. By the time we’re ready to go, we’ll be Just Us, Now… and somehow that feels very right.
I feel very swept up, yet fully supported, by whatever it is that’s guiding me (and very likely my husband, too! I can’t speak for him – I’m only privy to my own experience and perspective, but I’m totally understanding of how nothing is a coincidence) toward whatever it is I’m to be doing. It’s such an odd space to be in, this simultaneous total knowing and not knowing. It’s definitely making my logical side short circuit. I have no idea where that roller coaster track is going, or what’s after that first turn that I can see – but I do know that I’m perfectly safe.
I know that it’s going to be absolutely joyous and exactly what I want by the time the roller coaster manifests its cycle and starts a new one (i.e. finishes its loops and experience creations and starts on a new click-click ramping up track) – I just don’t know what that is, at the moment. I have some nebulous ideas, that are about as solid as the trip I’m about to embark on… and it is these I am to focus on, here. So, I will! Let’s see…what ingredients have gone into the creation of this click-click track I’m currently on…
- I want to be of service to humanity, as a vessel to be tapped by divine synchronicty.
- I feel led to be of service in the realm of healing, empowerment, and helping people to feel a deeper sense of connection with their authentic selves, giving them the ability to experience greater and greater levels of joy.
- I do NOT want to be needed. I am not in the slightest bit interested in people needing me for any reason – that’s not empowering.
- I experience my greatest joy when I can help someone step up to a new level of Love of Self – which is their embodying the space of their own personal empowerment, and what healing is really all about.
- I feel led to impact a large number of people, not just by proxy (as in, I touch one person, they touch a hundred others, etc.) alone, but directly.
- Truth is expansive, ever shifting, and personal – I want to help others to grow in theirs, while I sustain and maintain the freedom to continue to grow in mine.
- I want to be comfortable, joyful, flowing, loved and loving, expressive, and free to experience all of these whenever and however I want.
- I want to be physically fit and healthy, flexible, strong, full of stamina and energy and able to fully enjoy my physical expression.
I have learned and accomplished so many things – and each one feels as if it’s a puzzle piece leading to some ultimate expression of Dawn-ness… There is, of course, no ‘ultimate’ aside from my sitting here and Being, in this moment… Everything shifts and changes, flows, forms and reforms…forever. And that’s great And yet there’s something…
Aside from Being here, and touching others lives, I have yet to create something substantial… if that makes sense? Every time I step out to do something specific, like joining the creation of Children of the Sun foundation, or hosting my own radio station, or even working at a metaphysical shop – the creation collapses in on itself as if it didn’t have enough energy to sustain, or it wasn’t the fully alligned creation/expression it could be, or… I’m intended/intending to be doing something else, I just hadn’t realized it yet.
Every time the collapse happens, in retrospect a while later, I realize it was perfect, and that the experience taught me tons and that the collapse was inevitable. Yet, I don’t believe that I’m intended to begin and end things so quickly, forever…I would like to flow into something that has the ability to continue, at least for a while…
All I know for sure is the above list… That list is me. I’ve become a great writer, speaker, teacher, healer and guide to further the expression of those attributes. I do not have a particular dream… I love to write, speak, teach, heal and guide. Perhaps I am looking for an avenue that can sustain the expression of those qualities, for a period of time…
And yet, first, I must tend to myself. My body isn’t at anywhere near it’s full capacity for wellness. The dis-ease that has brought me so much healing on so many levels (how’s that for a paradox? ) – it’s time to let that go. I don’t need it any more, just like all the stuff I’ve sent on to Goodwill – it’s of the past.
So… in choosing my focus and voicing my intention, “I intend to focus on enjoying and rejuvenating my physical body, so that I may better Be all that I can be.”:)
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